Group rant for the day (this ain’t just me sayin’ this):

We are allowing the idjuts to keep swimming in the gene pool. We need to stop protecting the criminally stupid.
They hook up with lawyers and get rich.
And the people who have some sense end up paying for it.
Malpractice insurance depriving average wage-earning Americans of reasonably priced healthcare
don’t get me started on health care and politicians
heck let’s just bitch at everyone
doctors, lawyers, politicians, did I mention lawyers, insurance people, lawyers
indian chiefs
yeah them too
especially the lawyer indian chiefs
bakers and candle stick makers!
UP AGAINST THE WALL!

Sooo…how is she feeling today, one might ask? Or…then again…one might not be remotely interested.

But I’m interested. So, how AM I feeling?

Oddly vacant. Rather devoid of…well, anything. I think I’ve balanced on the fulcrum between the manic and the depressive. That’s not to say I AM manic/depressive. I swing both directions, but not all that wildly…usually…

Apathy can be…well, not horrible. The sun shines outside, the windchimes play their harmony just beyond the window, and the fruit trees for miles around are bursting with flora….instilling in me the desire to GRAB AN AXE AND CHOP EACH AND EVERY ONE DOWN TO A SAP-OOZING NUB STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND….

Alright. So I have allergies. I’ll live. They’re not as bad as usual.

And what occupies my mind?

I am in a quandary. My own political/social leanings are confusing me. I find myself wondering why “conservatives” disregard the environment… my home, our world… and why “liberals” disregard that religion is NOT a crime…and why BOTH sides are so damned intent on trampling the Bill of Rights as suits their respective purposes. Election year. Who will I vote for? Dunno.

And why do we still call them “conservatives” and “liberals”? In my experience, most so-called conservatives aren’t shot in the ass about conserving much of anything. And liberals are liberal with what…exactly?

I think I still tend to lean more toward what is considered the traditional conservative stance. But… I’d really like to divorce our nation from its unholy and extremely dysfunctional relationship with oil. We shouldn’t be held hostage by people who, you know, when you get down to it, REALLY don’t like us. Not to mention the air would smell nicer if we found some alternatives to that messy fuel. As for ‘reduce/reuse/recycle’…is that so bad? I mean, my grandmother, one of the most conservative people I knew…she was ALL about not wasting anything. What happened to traditional values? Or maybe just a little rational common sense. And really, WHAT is wrong with not destroying our pristine wilderness areas? WHAT is wrong with keeping endangered species alive? And WHAT is wrong with trying to keep our air and water clean? Why do I have to be unpatriotic to think those are good things?

I could run for president. My party will be called the ‘rational’ party. I don’t want reform. And I don’t want status quo. Why re-form what we have? That just means taking the status quo and mushing it around to look like something different, but you still have the same crap.

I’m tired of the war on drugs. This opinion makes me unpopular with many people in my sphere of influence. Do I think drugs are ok? Of course not. I’ve never been even remotely interested in investigating recreational drug use. I think it’s a waste of time, and really, a mistake for nearly everyone. (Not to mention how extremely pathetic one appears while under the influence.) But we tried regulation of another popular consciousness altering chemical in the 1920s. And where did that get us?

Too much money is spent on a war that we’re losing. I believe substances should be controlled, as alcohol is controlled. Some more than others. Some, the lethal ones, should remain unavailable to the public. (By lethal, I mean, you’re screwed instantly, and forever, if you take it.) People are DYING because thugs control the traffic of these substances that are NOT going to go away, no matter how we may wish they would. Ohhh…and I don’t even want to get started on the civil liberties that are being trampled in the name of ‘fighting drugs’. Illegal search and seizure…violated right to privacy…the list goes on… (Rave Act attached to the Amber Alert bill? Oh, you tricky politicians and your sleight of hand…bastards.)

I’m tired of the Bill of Rights being used, abused, misinterpreted, or even entirely ignored. By EVERYbody. All sides of the political spectrum are guilty of this. It sickens me. Patriot Act, anyone?

I don’t like fearing my government. I think there is something VERY very wrong when citizens have cause to fear the people who are supposed to be there to serve them.

What do I want? I want less taxes. I want no death tax…that’s bullshit. I want a government that defends the borders and defends the people, takes care of the roads, and generally stays the hell out of my personal life and the personal lives of others.

Morality CANNOT be legislated. It can only be lived and taught by example.

I want a government that doesn’t give handouts… Let’s let people cultivate a little personal responsibility, shall we?

Should there be a safety net for people who CAN’T take care of themselves? I’m not opposed to that, but I’d like to be pretty certain that that net isn’t filled with freeloaders who are draining resources that should go to those who actually need assistance.

I’m sorely tempted to suggest that one should have to pass some sort of basic test of understanding to be allowed to vote. But then again, part of me thinks one should have to take a test to be allowed to reproduce as well…just part of me. I know that many of the smartest people in the world aren’t as capable of loving and nurturing as the most average, or even below average intellect. Hm…walking on thin ice, here. People will think I’m evil.

Oh well.

Iiiiiintrospection…

for enlightenment…

of emotion…

Hallelujah…hallelujah…halleluuuuuujaaaaah….yeeeeeeeeah….

So. If you’re at all familiar with Schoolhouse Rock (and not the Jack Black movie), you might recognize the riff I just parodied.

And I was being extremely facetious.

Lemme ‘splain. Welcome to Internal Dialogue Central. Please keep your thoughts and opinions INSIDE the car at all times, and do not tamper with the safety restraint device, or you could go spiraling off into the darkness as well. Enjoy the ride. Please, no flash photographs or recording devices. We dwell in darkness. Let’s keep it that way. And please take your baggage with you when you leave. We have enough of our own, thank you.

Introspection is USUALLY (I qualify it thus because there are always exceptions, the unusual individual who can effectively divorce the self from emotion enough to be objective in introspection)…nothing more than mental masturbation. Introspection is an arrogant term for indulging in the luxury of wallowing in one’s own sentimental pool. Oh, that ‘deep’ well that is the soul of the introvert, or the ‘sensitive’ and ‘thoughtful’ individual. Welcome to the grotto. Le’s go swimmin’.

I ridicule myself here. My self-loathing has reached a spike in the graph of “How much I respect myself”. Not quite an all-time high. Yet. (That was once characterized by carving patterns in my flesh with a safety pin.) But it may come.

Let it be plainly said, here, at least, I am sickeningly fascinated by my own capacity for inflicting emotional pain upon myself. I never seem to manage to pin down WHY, though. Why do I do it?

Instead I vaguely wonder, all but oblivious, but just barely curious, when will it be enough? When will I have given enough, and when will I realize that I get very little in return? I marvel at the fact that I give so readily, so willingly, so much. I bare myself…and for what? I commit the ultimate atrocity to my introverted self….total exposure and honesty to another human. Instead of asking myself why and how I create this situation time and again… learning how to avoid it… Instead of questioning my motives, I just lay down and wait to be sucked dry. Do I really enjoy it THAT much?

“If you’re going to be raped, you might as well just lay back and enjoy it…chances are you did something to get yourself there anyway.” Ohhh yes. Somebody call me on that extremely politically incorrect statement. It’s what it feels like.

I must enjoy it. Why else would I do it? Am I feeding off the weird energy it stirs in me? Maybe. I thought drama queens liked more of an audience. I’d rather hide all this from people. It is, after all, rather unattractive, the pallid, morose expression, the vacant watery eyes.

“Put up a fight.” I tell myself. I might even try. Never works though. It takes so little to soothe me and distract me. I’m nothing if not predictable, I suppose. Especially to a maestro.

“Slam your head against the wall a little more. Pretty soon the sensation will go away, and you won’t notice the lifeblood seeping from your flesh.” Who am I kidding? If I were physically hurting myself, I would stop immediately. Nature has made sure we have the warning system that says “This is bad. Stop. That’s why it hurts. You stepped on a nail, asshole. You’re damaging yourself.” And in relation to the severity of the danger, the hurt is worse…and is not enjoyable. If my arm is bleeding, I’m going to remove the knife from it.

My emotional warning system is fucked, because I can hurt and feel quite the opposite all at once. My soul is hemorrhaging, and I smile dreamily…wistfully. Shed a few tears. Pour out love.

Wake up, woman. Recognize hypocrisy for what it is. Recognize duplicity. Recognize your own inadequacy. Not good enough. It’s been made pretty clear, couched in kindness. Still clear. YOU…ARE…NOT… RECOGNIZED…FOR…YOUR…WORTH. Since when are you willing to be second? Tell me…WHO is worth THAT? Yes, I know, you’ve never come across this resonance before. So? If that resonance sours to dissonance like this, what…you’re going to let it shatter your self-respect?

Are you really going to allow the double standard applied to you? You could say it’s karmic, given the double standards you’ve applied over time, and continue to apply… but you don’t believe in karma, any more than you believe in destiny. Oddly, you do believe there are reasons for things.

So where is the meaning in this? Find the lesson, before it chews you up, swallows you, then spits you out.

I can’t. I’m already crushed. Please just spit me out already.

Ok, rational thought. Let’s try that. Value judgement. For yourSELF…not taking into account the feelings of others…watch that. Quit thinking about someone else for a minute. You usually have no problem with this. Damn, you really ARE screwed up, aren’t you?

Value judgement. Are you getting what you need in return for what you give?

What have you given? Only all the things you hold most precious. Time, adoration, loyalty, respect, love, and the hard one…generosity. Unstintingly. You’re stupid enough to let it get to where you can’t help it. Dumbass unconditional love. Web of your own making.

Right, so what do you get? Some attention… time shared with others. A little lip service. Flattery…just enough to keep you coming back. Assurances of love and adoration. Ok, so those are nice, and they feel genuine at least. Good conversation, when it’s not hurting too much. Seemingly shared understanding…

Hm. Seemingly? Are you sure of anything?

Not anymore.

What do you want?

More than that. Everything, regardless of the ethics of the situation. If I were the moral person I should be, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

Oh, very good, at least you recognize that.

Do you deserve what you want?

Yes. I think I do.

Do you want too much?

Always.

Are you going to get it?

I’ve been assured the negative.

Where’s the reciprocity in this? Do you think the values are out of balance?

Yes.

So what do we do about this, madam?

I don’t know.

Why not?

Because this is different. From anything, ever.

Are you kidding yourself?

I don’t know. It’s possible.

Does it matter?

That one’s hard.

No it’s not. Does it matter? Regardless of how ‘different’…are YOU different? Do you deserve ANY less just because of the perceived importance, gravity, cosmic soul-searing significance of this?

Ok, no.

So you think you’ve found a soul mate. If a soul mate doesn’t treat you with the respect you feel you deserve… And what IS a soul mate, anyway? Someone that resonates, right? We talked about dissonance already. Girl, you need good vibes, not just vibes…I don’t care how much you enjoy the vibrating… And you’re not even enjoying THAT cheap thrill, are you? You’re being disengaged methodically and you won’t even SEE it.

I don’t want to.

Idiot.

Ok, ok…

Right. So what are you going to do?

I don’t know.

Yes you do. It’s just a matter of time. And it’s anticipated…being waited for. You know it is. You’ve watched the tactic being played out. Let a person work through it on their own, and do exactly what is expected, the inevitable product of their own personality and limitations. It’s the ultimate in avoidance of responsibility, and you have respect for it, admire it, even….except, of course, when it’s being applied to you. Which it is, despite protests to the contrary. Laugh now. It IS a little amusing.

“No more I love you’s. The language is leaving me in silence.” Or…I could push through the wall, see what’s on the other side…

What if there’s nothing? You ready for the fall?

I already fell, eyes closed, dropping backwards. Nobody caught. It certainly affords a different view of the world from this position.

So you fell. Where did you fall?

Outside.

Precisely.

Oh.

You see? Just disengage while you still can with a little dignity intact.

But what if I’m needed?

Are you needed now?

Not really. But I might be later.

That’s beside the point. God, woman, you’re confused.

Dear me. I’ve written things and I didn’t realize it.

Right. How does one write something and not know they’re doing it? I’ve just been hiding it, I guess. I’m hiding a lot of things lately. But less of myself.

Is this a good trade? More of me for the masses, but less of other things, like, oh…say…GOODNESS?

TO THAT WHICH I’VE WRITTEN….ONWARD, FORSOOTH…

(From whence cometh THAT…or…THIS?)

*********

I Am

I am.

Real, manifest, product of generation upon generation of woman.

I am strength.

Endowed by the Creator with the means to endure adversity of many kinds, I am the willow in the wind, rooted deep, but supple and flexible.

I am majesty.

The lion paces with grace and power, as well through the tall grass as in a cage. I will not be diminished.

I am knowledge.

The gift and responsibility of choice is mine, to learn from experience and the experiences of those who have gone before. My mind is open, ever-seeking truth and beauty.

I am passion.

I am the wildfire of abandon; the surging expanse of sea cresting to break upon a rocky shore; the still, blue flame burning white-hot, searing in intensity.

I am love.

Let me enfold you in the warm embrace of my shadowy soul. Be soothed by the rhythm of the universe that is my heartbeat.

I am the feminine.

I nurture. I protect. I provide. I encourage. I discipline. I teach. I learn. I give. I take. I listen. I hear. I speak. I wait. I act. I indulge. I forsake. I need. I desire. I respond. I laugh. I mourn. I sing. I dance.

I am Alegria, Farah, Ananda, Laetitia, Kamaya, Chara, Rinnah, Gembirah, Hari, Tuwa, Sevinc, Simche…

I am Joy.

*********

Still with me, nameless and faceless reader? Chances are I know you somehow. Who else would read this drivel? Right. So…want another? Too bad, you get one anyway.

*********

Want…
I am gaunt
and in agony.
I ache
feeling nails drag over me.
Peel back layer after layer.

Fear…
I am shivering
and exposed.
I cry
feeling you slip away
with each horizon you strip from me.

Despair…
I am spent
and immobile.
Paralyzed
giving freely of my fragile soul
to succor my great passion and pain.

Joy…
I am light
without form.
Engulfed
by the void you create in reason.
I live to serve.

*********

Oh….how we do dramatize, hm?