Iiiiiintrospection…

for enlightenment…

of emotion…

Hallelujah…hallelujah…halleluuuuuujaaaaah….yeeeeeeeeah….

So. If you’re at all familiar with Schoolhouse Rock (and not the Jack Black movie), you might recognize the riff I just parodied.

And I was being extremely facetious.

Lemme ‘splain. Welcome to Internal Dialogue Central. Please keep your thoughts and opinions INSIDE the car at all times, and do not tamper with the safety restraint device, or you could go spiraling off into the darkness as well. Enjoy the ride. Please, no flash photographs or recording devices. We dwell in darkness. Let’s keep it that way. And please take your baggage with you when you leave. We have enough of our own, thank you.

Introspection is USUALLY (I qualify it thus because there are always exceptions, the unusual individual who can effectively divorce the self from emotion enough to be objective in introspection)…nothing more than mental masturbation. Introspection is an arrogant term for indulging in the luxury of wallowing in one’s own sentimental pool. Oh, that ‘deep’ well that is the soul of the introvert, or the ‘sensitive’ and ‘thoughtful’ individual. Welcome to the grotto. Le’s go swimmin’.

I ridicule myself here. My self-loathing has reached a spike in the graph of “How much I respect myself”. Not quite an all-time high. Yet. (That was once characterized by carving patterns in my flesh with a safety pin.) But it may come.

Let it be plainly said, here, at least, I am sickeningly fascinated by my own capacity for inflicting emotional pain upon myself. I never seem to manage to pin down WHY, though. Why do I do it?

Instead I vaguely wonder, all but oblivious, but just barely curious, when will it be enough? When will I have given enough, and when will I realize that I get very little in return? I marvel at the fact that I give so readily, so willingly, so much. I bare myself…and for what? I commit the ultimate atrocity to my introverted self….total exposure and honesty to another human. Instead of asking myself why and how I create this situation time and again… learning how to avoid it… Instead of questioning my motives, I just lay down and wait to be sucked dry. Do I really enjoy it THAT much?

“If you’re going to be raped, you might as well just lay back and enjoy it…chances are you did something to get yourself there anyway.” Ohhh yes. Somebody call me on that extremely politically incorrect statement. It’s what it feels like.

I must enjoy it. Why else would I do it? Am I feeding off the weird energy it stirs in me? Maybe. I thought drama queens liked more of an audience. I’d rather hide all this from people. It is, after all, rather unattractive, the pallid, morose expression, the vacant watery eyes.

“Put up a fight.” I tell myself. I might even try. Never works though. It takes so little to soothe me and distract me. I’m nothing if not predictable, I suppose. Especially to a maestro.

“Slam your head against the wall a little more. Pretty soon the sensation will go away, and you won’t notice the lifeblood seeping from your flesh.” Who am I kidding? If I were physically hurting myself, I would stop immediately. Nature has made sure we have the warning system that says “This is bad. Stop. That’s why it hurts. You stepped on a nail, asshole. You’re damaging yourself.” And in relation to the severity of the danger, the hurt is worse…and is not enjoyable. If my arm is bleeding, I’m going to remove the knife from it.

My emotional warning system is fucked, because I can hurt and feel quite the opposite all at once. My soul is hemorrhaging, and I smile dreamily…wistfully. Shed a few tears. Pour out love.

Wake up, woman. Recognize hypocrisy for what it is. Recognize duplicity. Recognize your own inadequacy. Not good enough. It’s been made pretty clear, couched in kindness. Still clear. YOU…ARE…NOT… RECOGNIZED…FOR…YOUR…WORTH. Since when are you willing to be second? Tell me…WHO is worth THAT? Yes, I know, you’ve never come across this resonance before. So? If that resonance sours to dissonance like this, what…you’re going to let it shatter your self-respect?

Are you really going to allow the double standard applied to you? You could say it’s karmic, given the double standards you’ve applied over time, and continue to apply… but you don’t believe in karma, any more than you believe in destiny. Oddly, you do believe there are reasons for things.

So where is the meaning in this? Find the lesson, before it chews you up, swallows you, then spits you out.

I can’t. I’m already crushed. Please just spit me out already.

Ok, rational thought. Let’s try that. Value judgement. For yourSELF…not taking into account the feelings of others…watch that. Quit thinking about someone else for a minute. You usually have no problem with this. Damn, you really ARE screwed up, aren’t you?

Value judgement. Are you getting what you need in return for what you give?

What have you given? Only all the things you hold most precious. Time, adoration, loyalty, respect, love, and the hard one…generosity. Unstintingly. You’re stupid enough to let it get to where you can’t help it. Dumbass unconditional love. Web of your own making.

Right, so what do you get? Some attention… time shared with others. A little lip service. Flattery…just enough to keep you coming back. Assurances of love and adoration. Ok, so those are nice, and they feel genuine at least. Good conversation, when it’s not hurting too much. Seemingly shared understanding…

Hm. Seemingly? Are you sure of anything?

Not anymore.

What do you want?

More than that. Everything, regardless of the ethics of the situation. If I were the moral person I should be, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

Oh, very good, at least you recognize that.

Do you deserve what you want?

Yes. I think I do.

Do you want too much?

Always.

Are you going to get it?

I’ve been assured the negative.

Where’s the reciprocity in this? Do you think the values are out of balance?

Yes.

So what do we do about this, madam?

I don’t know.

Why not?

Because this is different. From anything, ever.

Are you kidding yourself?

I don’t know. It’s possible.

Does it matter?

That one’s hard.

No it’s not. Does it matter? Regardless of how ‘different’…are YOU different? Do you deserve ANY less just because of the perceived importance, gravity, cosmic soul-searing significance of this?

Ok, no.

So you think you’ve found a soul mate. If a soul mate doesn’t treat you with the respect you feel you deserve… And what IS a soul mate, anyway? Someone that resonates, right? We talked about dissonance already. Girl, you need good vibes, not just vibes…I don’t care how much you enjoy the vibrating… And you’re not even enjoying THAT cheap thrill, are you? You’re being disengaged methodically and you won’t even SEE it.

I don’t want to.

Idiot.

Ok, ok…

Right. So what are you going to do?

I don’t know.

Yes you do. It’s just a matter of time. And it’s anticipated…being waited for. You know it is. You’ve watched the tactic being played out. Let a person work through it on their own, and do exactly what is expected, the inevitable product of their own personality and limitations. It’s the ultimate in avoidance of responsibility, and you have respect for it, admire it, even….except, of course, when it’s being applied to you. Which it is, despite protests to the contrary. Laugh now. It IS a little amusing.

“No more I love you’s. The language is leaving me in silence.” Or…I could push through the wall, see what’s on the other side…

What if there’s nothing? You ready for the fall?

I already fell, eyes closed, dropping backwards. Nobody caught. It certainly affords a different view of the world from this position.

So you fell. Where did you fall?

Outside.

Precisely.

Oh.

You see? Just disengage while you still can with a little dignity intact.

But what if I’m needed?

Are you needed now?

Not really. But I might be later.

That’s beside the point. God, woman, you’re confused.