Cats: miscellanea|
“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, volume 4, 1944-1947
The above is a good reminder to not be neeeeeedy. I’m feeling needy. I despise that in others, but even more in myself. I’ll try not to inflict my insecurity on everyone else.
Waking up today was interesting. I woke up pissed off. Actually, I awoke LIVID with anger. I was shaking, my heart was pounding and I wanted to hurt someone in a very, very violent way.
I went to sleep last night hoping not to dream at all. I don’t much care to dream, because they are often surreal and unfathomable little episodes that a) make no sense, and b)are often disturbing. But I did dream. The strange thing about dreams, they fade so quickly most of the time. Even now I can’t remember much. What I do remember is this: This dream was set in the grammar school that I attended, though rather than being a grade school child I was at least in high school, but it actually felt like beyond. The source of my anger was that someone was misrepresenting me and my behaviors, telling lies about who and what I am, making assumptions about my motives, and I was having to deal with fallout from that. I don’t know how long the dream REALLY lasted, probably no more than a few minutes, but the timeline within the dream was of days and days of this frustration. So…I got the point where I was ready to kill the cause of all this. Not “Oh, I’m gonna kill ya, haha”…but actually wrap my fingers around the person’s throat and squeeze until they stopped thrashing. This is the point at which I awoke, shaking.
My mood today is obviously very strange. Hopefully I’ll shake off the effects in a few hours. I’m tempted to try and analyze the ‘meaning’ of this dream, but I won’t. Someone whose opinion I value very highly said that dream interpretation like that is nonsense. I’m inclined to just accept that for now. I’m not sure I want to analyze my lust for killing someone in a dream. Because I wanted to VERY badly. I was determined I was going to choke the life out of someone, and I was enjoying the idea immensely. My anger was fueling that enjoyment.
I frighten me, sometimes. And not just in this way.
I fear my tendency to become completely immersed in emotion. My passions run deep, when I allow them. It’s a crappy way to exist, and I’m constantly trying to temper the tendency, but I must shut off parts of myself. The instant I allow true feeling to manifest itself, I fall into the abyss.
I’ve fallen.
wheeeee.
