The Good Wife’s Guide, huh?
Cats: miscellanea|Apparently this is vintage advice for ‘the good wife’. And, also apparently, I’m not her. You’ll see why:
“Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.”
Uh huh. Sooo… What if I haven’t been thinking of him and his needs? Perhaps I’ve been thinking of mine after arguing with a child for three hours about getting homework done and no you do NOT need a TV/DVD in your room. Where’s my warm welcome?
“Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.”
Yeah? And I’ve been with the demon-spawn of his loins, who don’t respect me and my opinions or what I say, because he doesn’t either, and children do learn by example. As for makeup… let alone touching it up… I should destroy my skin with crap all over it just so he gets a plastic dolly to look at when he gets home?
“Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.”
Oh. And his duties in the entertainment department are…what…again?
“Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.”
I’ve got a better idea. Since he doesn’t live with his mommy anymore, maybe he could not MAKE the clutter. Then nobody would need to be clearing it…or, at least, if he does make it, he can damned well clean it up.
“Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.”
No, the kids can gather the schoolbooks, toys, etc… And I’d run a dustcloth over anything that wasn’t covered with his detritus. If I could see its surface. If I can’t…oh well.
“Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.”
Yeah, I’ll get a lift, probably via ambulance to the nearest hospital, given that I am allergic to smoke. But hey, if he’s comfortable, I’m sure I’ll get immense personal satisfaction knowing that while I breathe through a tube.
“Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the chilidren to be quiet.”
Washing hands and faces, sure, if I can wrestle them down and hold them there long enough. Changing clothes. Yeah, no problem. I don’t have enough laundry to do. You betcha. His treasures are mine too, and if I could eliminate all noise, I’d do it LONG before his highness gets home.
“Be happy to see him.”
Yay! An adult! Someone who isn’t going to spit carrots on me or tell me I hate them and storm from the room!
“Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.”
Could I just, maybe, make at effort at not screaming and tearing out my hair instead?
“Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”
Ohhhh, yes, of course. That same old story about how crappy his job is and how he hates it and how unfair life is to him is WAY more important than whether his child is flunking math and what we’re going to do, as a team, to take care of this. Because, dayam…I haven’t heard THAT anywhere before.
“Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.”
Dude! Go. Have dinner. But don’t be pissed off when I do too. I don’t mind a little relaxation, myself.
“Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.”
Fine. As long as I get the gold card so I can hit the spa to renew my own damned body and spirit at the spa. And the mall.
“Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.”
Deal. As long as he doesn’t cause them. And as long as he doesn’t greet me with his own complaints and problems.
“Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.”
Ok. But he’d better not ask me where I got Sven, the guy that does those things for me.
“Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.”
Um. No. Just no. The last time I spoke in a low, soothing and pleasant voice I got ‘I can’t hear you, what? Speak up, I can’t hear you over the TV.’
“Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.”
Why the HELL would I ask him questions? I have a brain. I use it. If I questioned his judgment or integrity, he’d never have got near me with a ten foot pole. As for the master of the house thing… fairness, truthfulness… There isn’t a MAN alive capable of either of those things. They don’t lie outright. They mean what they say, and even believe it, in the moment they’re saying it, but prove themselves false with alarming speed. I don’t question, I just offer facts and truths.
“A good wife always knows her place.”
True enough. Driving, steering, directing…
