That the purveyors of porn in spam were so very philosophical!

Excerpts from the ‘junk mail’ of more than one of my email accounts:

Good morning, campers

Giving opens the way for receiving. Whatever a man seeks, honors, or exalts more than God, this is the god of his idolatry.

There is something good in all seeming failures. You are not to see that now. Time will reveal it. Be patient.

We see many who are struggling against adversity who are happy, and more although abounding in wealth, who are wretched.

Rest in peace. The Mistake shall not be repeated.

Art is dangerous. It is one of the attractions: when it ceases to be dangerous you don’t want it.Life is like wine, the longer you take to enjoy it the more chance you’ve got of tasting vinegar. To hate and to fear is the be psychologically ill… it is, in fact, the consuming illness of our time.Always laugh heartily at the jokes your boss tells, it maybe a loyalty test.

There is a real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment. To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.To give a generous hope to a man of his own nature, is to enrich him immeasurably.

Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees.

It is a terrible thing to look over your shoulder when you are trying to lead — and find no one there.

The more deeply the path is etched, the more it is used, and the more it is used, the more deeply it etched.

Happy he who learns to bear what he cannot change.

All this, with links to MILFs and hot teens and…well, whatever else it is that makes guys want to look at naked women with no self-respect. But it’s so very enlightened, don’tcha know.

• You wore a rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves, and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other. Um…nope.
• You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. Never had either one. Too much trouble, said Mom.
• You had that Fisher Price Doctor’s Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. Again, no. My parents had a real stethoscope that I got in trouble for touching. (Though I did play with it from time to time, regardless of the consequences.)
• You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it. My first bike was a dark blue ten speed with a normal seat. No plastic basket, mine was a functional metal wire one.
• You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels. My skates had those rubber wheels. And they looked like blue tennis shoes with yellow stripes, and I had enormous pink pom poms on the laces with bells in them. And..and…
• You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (Admit it!) Of course I did. He was a geek. I’ve always been into geeks.
• You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island. Oh, HELL no. I had fantasies about being there, and maybe taking over the place… at which point I would actually DO something with it, rather than all the feel-good crap like making people realize the error of their ways, or whatever. I was a little girl with a dream, a dream of manipulating many people…
• You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.(WITH BREAD BAGS OVER THE INSIDE PART TO KEEP YOUR FEET DRY!!) Nope, and nope. I just stepped carefully in my knee-high fashionable boots. Even then, I liked boots. I was already dreaming of thigh-high stiletto heeled boots.
• You had either a “bowl cut” or “pixie,” not to mention the “Dorothy Hamil” because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes thought you were a boy. (I’ve never forgiven her!) It was my Grandmother that forced the haircut, and it was sort of a modified bob.
• Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession. If I’d known the word then, I’d have said “Fuck Holly Hobbie.” I never owned ANYthing with that sad little country girl on it.
  
• You wore a poncho (KNIT BY MOM), gauchos, and knickers. One of three. I wore knickers, because they were ‘different’ than the other kids in my rural hometown. I might have had a poncho (CROCHETED BY GRANDMA) when I was an infant.
• You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon. Nah. No one to play it with. And the one person version on that game was boring. I had to have things I could do all on my own, and they had to be educational. So I had Merlin, Speak and Spell, and Dataman.
• You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits. Nope. I had a lot of headless and limbless Barbies, and baby dolls that had been tattooed with ink pens. I was an angry child, with a lot of suppressed agression.
• You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze. Ok, did that. Anything to escape reality.
• The swing set tipped over at least once. I can’t even count the number of times. I was brutal on that thing. And REALLY good at jumping clear when it tipped, as well as getting it back up without help.
• You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color. I never MADE any of that garbage, but I had some that other people made and gave me.
• You had a pair of Doctor Scholl’s sandals (the ones with hard sole & the buckle). (AND YOU MADE GREAT NOISES ON HARD FLOORS) Nope.
• You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson! (SHE HAD PONIES!!!) No, no (My ruffled shirt was purple and more inspired by Princess Diana when she was still Lady Diana), and I didn’t give a flying rip about Nellie Olson.
• You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink. GAWD no. How common. Yuck. Roller rinks are dirty and noisy. Who wants to be pushed up against the wall of a roller rink?
• Your hairstyle was described as having “wings” or “feathers” and you kept it “pretty” with the comb you kept in your back pocket. I did have the feathered Farrah Fawcett thing, and I had the comb, but I rarely carried it.
• You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, BlueberryMuffin and Huckleberry Pie. Yes, annoying little smelly toys that they made into an annoying cartoon.
• You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic. (OR HAD A PLASTIC TUPPERWARE CONCOCTION WITH THE SEPARATE SANWICH CONTAINER) My lunchbox was metal, yes, but didn’t have any known characters on it. It had a pretty blonde girl in a blue dress with a bow in her hair… that’s all I remember.
• You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend. Nah. They all wanted the blonde and fought over that, while I’ve always been a sucker for a hot brunette.
• Every now and then “It’s a Hard Knock Life” from the movie, “Annie” will pop into your brain and you can’t stop singing it the whole day. Not unless some asshole brings it up.
• YOU had Star Wars action figures, too! Mommy wouldn’t let me, but I did get to play with my older brothers’ Space 1999 spaceships, and their original Batman TV series cars. And the legions of little green army men, and the die cast metal tanks that went with them.
• It was a big event in your household each year when the “Wizard of Oz” would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags! No. I wanted to watch it, and had to beg, because my very positive mother would say “I don’t want to watch that crap. It’s ooold. That’s stupid.” Likewise with any Charlie Brown cartoon, or Christmas season claymation feature.
• You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: “Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?” I didn’t have a Magic 8 Ball. But my brother did, and I just liked to shake it and turn it over so I could watch that purpley-pink liquid, because it reminded me of grape juice. And for the record: Shaun Cassidy was too fae for me, I liked the other Hardy Boy, Parker Stevenson (Yes, brunette.) Leif Garrett was a rocker with longish hair, so maybe… and Rick Springfield…eh. He was ok. At least he was brunette.
• You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album. Didn’t have any of those. I hated Saturday Night Fever, didn’t REALLY care too much for Grease, and despised Fame.
• You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God’s eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. I’ve always hated arts and crafts, and avoided them unless forced to do them because of some school or church project.
• You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts! Shrinky-Dinks! ooooh, the heady fumes of melting plastic…. *sigh* … loved those. And I never did the iron-on thing, wasn’t allowed. And I doubt it would’ve been kitties. Maybe unicorns or something.
• You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker. No, I used to tape record MYSELF singing WITH the radio by plugging in a microphone to the recorder.
• You couldn’t wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing ( OR A HORSE!!!!!) I couldn’t wait to get the books. The poster was a nice bonus. The books were the draw. Madeleine L’Engle, C.S. Lewis, Ursula K. LeGuin, and countless books about ghost stories.
• You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books (Are you there God, It’s me, Margaret.) “Forever”, at age 9.
• You thought Olivia Newton John’s song “Physical” was about aerobics. HA! I knew better. I knew all about it by age 6. Innocent, not naive.
• You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs. My shoelaces had musical notes on them, and the friendship pins were only because people gave them to me and I didn’t want them to think I didn’t appreciate them. I lost them a lot, though.
• You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. No…nono, the beginning of my disdain for buttfloss.
• You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin. Didn’t have Big Wheel. You have to have concrete for that, no concrete on the farm. Sit-n-Spin was great… a free dizzy euphoria whenever I wanted it. These small escapes from reality were precious.
• You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.You spent all your allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album! I read Dynamite when I could get my hands on it, mostly for the irreverent attitude it seemed to have, scoffed at girls who read Tiger Beat and the pretty boys it featured, hated smurfs (still do) and didn’t have a sticker album, just a lot of things covered with stickers, about which my mother would complain all the time.

Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com

No shit, Sherlock!

You scored as Classic Rock.. Classic Rock.

Music Recommendation
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Ecstacy. Love, sex, parties, and DANCING! Just be wary of your mood coming down! www.dancesafe.org

What’s your ideal drug?
created with QuizFarm.com

For all thos sweet spirited girls and boys out there, now you too can have pithy t-shirts!

My favorite, “I’ve upped my standards… so up yours.”

hehehehehe