The name of Joy creates a restless, creative nature that takes you into many ventures, but does not allow you to see things through to a satisfactory completion. Yours is a versatile, musical, artistic, but independent nature and you must have the freedom to express your creative ideas and abilities to be happy. An urge for independence causes dissatisfaction and frustration in close relationships and you find the “ties that bind” restricting. The qualities of this name would find a more constructive outlet in work that involves high-pressure selling or promotional activities, possibly in community affairs, for it contains a positive, driving power. It is difficult for you to merge with others; although you have quickness of mind, you lack tolerance and can give way to impatience at another’s slowness or shortcomings. If you cannot complete your plans when you wish to do so, you could suffer intense moods of depression and extreme sensitivity in the region of the solar plexus, resulting possibly in ulcers or nervous disorders. This name could take you into bitter experiences through impulsive action. You need more stability to find peace of mind, relaxation and happiness in life.

Today… we did a promotional appearance for our show coming up next week. At the mall. In center court.

It went well, it was great fun.

But there were the strangers with videocameras in the audience…

I’m not talking about the two news cameras there to film.

I’m talking about the dude in the hooded sweatshirt, blithely filming EVERY part of our show and that of the dancers before us… The guy who, when I danced nearby, was angling the camera up my body and filming…

Now THAT…is creepy. I just know I’ll be surfing the web one of these days and find some video clip of me dancing (badly, I might add. Today was NOT my best day).

Cree-py.

I’m so glad someone has decided to respond to the over-enthusiastic comments people leave about ebay transactions.

but never actually experienced it, truly, until yesterday.

Or, well, maybe I have, but never noticed before.

It’s interesting how those who speak SO much of ‘tolerance’ and being ‘open-minded’ can display the most intolerant and closed-minded attitudes.

I’m speaking specifically of those who refer to people of conservative leaning as ‘wrong’ and other such opinions in group conversation. These people think NOTHING of insulting my intelligence or casting a slur on my moral fiber, simpy because of my political and social opinions. Were I to do the same thing, it would be pointed out, and considered just another evil of the right. But a liberal does it and no one says a thing. It’s interesting, given that I, at least, am honest about my opinions. I may not agree with them, but I will defend their right to not agree with me to the death. I can accept that they feel that way, and I don’t think less of them for it.

They, on the other hand DO think less of me. They won’t even pay lip service to the fact that diferring opinions are good. I’m just wrong. If I said the same thing to them, it would be called intolerance. When they do it, it’s simply enlightenment. Because, you see, I am wrong and they must bring me to their way of thinking. If one does not think their way, if one has a different philosophy of life, one is simply incorrect and must be changed.

I’m so sick of the double standard. Sure, they’ll say, “Well, I shouldn’t go into that right now.” But it’s never an apology. It’s just an arrogant acquiescence to the fact that they don’t really want to argue. It’s not because of a kind of respect for people who don’t agree with them, it’s more of a posture that says, “I’m enlightened and you are not.”

It’s insulting. Am I not a nice person? These are people I genuinely like, and even respect. I have respect for their opinions and the life choices and experiences that have brought them to their way of thinking. But I don’t have to agree. Why are MY choices and experiences not deserving of the same respect?

Whenever I think maybe there’s something to this idea of caring about my fellow man regardless of their contribution, something like this occurs and makes me realize that maybe that fellow man doesn’t deserve my caring unless he (or she) earns it.

You start with a clean slate with me. I’ll accept you as an equal, rational human. Behave as such and we’re golden. Disrespect me in this way, and you lose face. Lose too much and you’ll be written off as not worth my time.

I don’t need influences in my life that seek to undermine my self-value.

So I was walking out of Wal Mart (not because I WANTED to be there, but because Wal Mart was the only place in town to find a particular item that I need to have for our upcoming show…)

and I drew near my car. Two women were exiting their vehicle, and as I passed I heard one say to the other, “This is my FAVORITE store in the world…Wal Mart.”

I almost paused, mid-stride, and stared, but realized that might be slightly rude. I go there because I have no choice. It was astounding to me that people go there because they just loooooooooove it.

I fear for the human race, when the end-all and be-all of shopping becomes Wal Mart.

Oy!

Valentine’s Day… what did you THINK I was talking about?

On Sunday I was at the drugstore to get last-minute odds and ends for the tsunami relief benefit we did that day, and I cannot even COUNT the number of men (and their sons…yes guys, train ‘em early…) I saw wandering around the drugstore looking for something to get their women. Drugstore perfume, drugstore chocolates, stupid stuffed animals, schmaltzy cards… and they all looked perplexed, and a little beaten, trying to figure out just what to do for their woman, a woman they imagined (and were probably right) was expecting some astounding gesture of romance. I felt so bad for all of them… because they were frantically spending money on things that didn’t really matter, wouldn’t be appreciated much (drugstore items? c’mon guys…), and they were trying SO hard, or…just didn’t care but didn’t want to get in trouble/nagged at. Either way, it was just depressing and annoying to observe the behavior. It’s like watching lemmings headed for a cliff. You know it’s going to end in disaster and you cannot stop them.

I’d so much rather have a hug, a nice, heartfelt note detailing in just a few words whether I’m important or not… and not necessarily on V-Day. The day annoys me. What began as a celebration of enduringly faithful friendship… (Didn’t St. Valentine remain loyal to a friend under torture or threat of death or something?) … has become a way for chocolate pushers, card pushers, and flower pushers to make BIG bucks on unrealistic expectations and empty gestures.

I won’t rant anymore. The hell day (it does remind me of hell; everything’s red) is once again over for this year, and a much nicer day has come. Today is the podling’s birthday. She’s 10, and the greatest love of my life, bar none.

The vision superimposed itself over reality in an instant. It wasn’t the blink of an eye, it simply was. I saw.

I lay on my bed, cheek to my pillow, staring at the wall, and suddenly everything was transparent, like glass; the bed, the comforter. I could see my hands crossed beneath the pillow. I could see through the matress to the springs, quivering like fragile, mutant, coiled plants beneath the sea. The furniture, the pile of the carpet, all retaining shape and detail, but completely transparent.

I was the only substantional shape, with color and form, but that was fading fast as well, and soon I would be as insubstantial as my surroundings.

I wasn’t dreaming. Just seeing with startling clarity.

So I closed my eyes and sobbed. I strained my eyelids shut in desperation. Tears tickled my cheeks as they ran down and pooled where my lips meet or dropped off my chin.

I’m growing more inconsequential with every second. Soon I will be as shallow and uninteresting as everyone else. (If I’m not already.) My mind is turning to mush. There was a time I could remember anything I was told, anything I would read. Now I can’t retain even the most simple directions, and have to write them down and carry them with me to be certain what I remember is correct.

I’m losing my mind, literally, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am completely ridiculous, growing moreso with every minute that I age. I know it. And that galls me more than anything.

What I am given in this life is nothing I ever wanted, and what I want will never be mine.

I do know that if I don’t start doing what I want now, I’ll have nothing worth remembering when I die. And I wonder how long it will be. How much time do I have to catch up on what I should have been doing rather than going along with what I was supposed to be doing?