The camel’s back is broken, and the straw that caused it has me in tears.

In the grand scheme or things, it’s not a big deal. It’s not even necessarily permanent.

But I am hurt, and I feel betrayed. And I’m far too familiar with these feelings over the course of the last 15 years. I’m getting so tired of it.

I don’t want to be the butt of jokes. I don’t want to be belittled for things I think or feel. I’m tired of being ‘wrong’ all the time. I’m tired of having it constantly pointed out that the way I do things is bad.

And it hurts me beyond measure when I am not considered, when my opinion is dismissed and not taken into account.

I am absolutely BEYOND RAGE that this was done today, and a decision was made PURPOSELY be to get back at me for an imagined slight.

He has fucked up in royal manner, and I’m not going to forgive. Not this time. Not ever. I’m so done. I’m so finished.

We’ve talked. We’ve tried to ‘work it through’. I’ve tried explain my point of view only to be told that it’s all me and that in order to fix it I have to change my point of view and attitude.

Guess what. I’m me. I’m not changing. To hell with changing. I’ve been someone else for almost all my life just to please the people around me and it has got me fuck-all in return.

Yeah. I’m married. I have responsibilities. Fine. I’ll live up to them, but I’m going to damned well do it my way. Go ahead and make decisions without my input and without considering my feelings. Go ahead and do it as a way to get back at me for not towing YOUR line. But you had better be prepared when I apply the same consideration in reverse in the future.

I’m sad. I’m hurt. And I am angry as hell for being so disrespected. There is no turning back.

Welcome to the brave new world.

Well, maybe not ‘ever’… but it was a good one.

Friday night I went to watch my friend dance at a little cafe in town. It was a fun night with her, her boyfriend, and two of our other friends. While we were there, a woman came in and asked if she’d be interested in dancing for an event the following night. Then she said she’d be interested in more than one dancer. So my friend came and got me from our table and introduced me to this woman. We talked a bit and agreed we’d do a half hour show the following night at a Persian New Year party. At 11:00 pm.

After which we wracked our brains trying to come up with 30 minutes worth of choreographed and non-choreographed dancing. We managed.

Last night we arrived at venue to find a VERY fun party in full swing. They had a rockin’ band playing with an excellent singer and almost everyone in the room was on the dance floor. Supposedly it was to be an event of at least 500 people, and from how crowded the floor was, I’d say they were all up dancing when we arrived.

At this point we looked at one another with the “uhoh” face. We’ve had this happen before. People having fun dancing at parties don’t usually like to have that interrupted to watch a couple of dancers get out and do their thing… they’d rather be doing it themselves.

But we were greeted warmly by the woman who hired us who said the band would be taking a break shortly, and at that time we would go on.

We quietly reassured one another that we were professionals and we would dance, and get paid, regardless of the reception of the crowd.

It came time to dance, they made an announcement, everyone went to sit down, and our music started.

Much to our surprise, and gratification, the energy in the room swelled when we started dancing. They were clapping, cheering, and having a great time. (Even through my extremely bad and wobbly dancing on goblets. I need to work on my balance more.)

When we got to our last two songs (roughly the last 12 minutes of the set) we started getting people up to dance. That’s when the money started flying. I don’t even know how many times someone came up and threw bills over my head. Very few people even bothered to try to tuck cash into our belts.

My favorite thing, though, was getting to dance with all these beautiful Persian women. They are so poised and graceful, and their movements so natural in dancing, several times I just wanted to stop dancing myself to step back and watch them. They grow up listening to this music and dancing to it, and it truly is second nature to them to dance as they do. They are simultaneously demure and sensual as they dance, something some of us try to achieve and can never quite manage.

Everyone was very kind to us the entire evening. The organizer insisted we dance an extra song, and she showered us with even more money, after which we were inundated with requests for our business cards and given many complimentary encouragements. (One woman said she had seen many, many dancers, and that we were the very best she’d ever seen. She added that she thought we should take our show to Vegas.)

I felt as though I had performed for a group of people with true class and refinement.

If only every gig could be so edifying.

Is it just me, or does modern society lean ever more toward ‘drama’? We (I use the collective, though I’d much rather consider myself apart from it) grab issues and events, and make much of them. It’s all so very dramatic and sensational. Yet, I rarely see this commandeering of an issue when it is solely for the benefit of those directly involved. Oh no. These events and the public circus swirling around them are being used for very selfish means by others, things that have nothing to do with the actual situation or its participants.

My point (I do have one): The situation revolving around Terri Schiavo. Others have said what I think in far better words than I could put together, but I’ll just add my two cents. She’s gone. She’s not going to get better. Her husband fought to keep her alive, and to make sure she had excellent treatment, in hopes that her situation would improve. It’s clear now that it will not. Prolonging the vegetative state of her body makes no sense. It is an indignity to the woman she had been, it is a waste of resources, and it is an emotional drain on those who loved her.

What I find even more annoying is that her situation has become a battlefield… “Right to life” and all that.

Please. I have said it before, and I will say it again… Morality CANNOT BE LEGISLATED.

Putting aside my personal conviction that it is more immoral to prolong a non-life than to remove a feeding tube and let the shell die naturally… The government has no right to interfere in a matter that is private, among the family. And there’s no way around this: that woman’s family is her husband. When she grew up and chose to marry, he became her immediate family. She left her parents. It’s what we do when we reach adulthood. She married, effectively choosing the person who would become the person who would handle her legal and medical affairs should she become incapacitated. That’s what happens when one chooses a mate. You’re choosing someone you would trust in these matters.

So, he did what he could for her, fought hard for her life, and her well-being, and her dignity. He’s STILL fighting for her dignity.

It bothers her parents. My heart goes out to them, but the choice is not theirs to make, it is his.

Has he grieved and moved on? Yes…that’s what people do. That’s the healthy thing. Unfortunately they aren’t LETTING him move on with his life.

And now the governor of Florida wants to step in and take over. That’s wrong.

I tend toward the conservative side of things far more than most people I know, and I STILL feel that it’s wrong. Government has no business interfering in matters so personal and private. (Not to mention matters so very emotional and painful.)

People have no sense. This isn’t about the ‘right to life’. It is about the right to dignity. That woman’s spirit has gone, she has no hope of returning to ANY semblance of life except involuntary physical responses to stimuli. That’s no life at all.

Let her go.

And yet it’s all over the news. The state governor wants to take over. The president has said his piece about this. They’ve tried to get federal courts to intervene. Protestors are arrested trying to bring her water.

Drama. Sensation. Circus.

And no one thinks about what is best, or what is right, what allows the memory of her some dignity. Will she be remembered as a wonderful person, a good woman, for the things she did in life?

No. She’ll be remembered as the legal battle about ‘right to life’ and ‘euthanasia’. No one will ever know who Terri Schiavo REALLY was. What was her favorite color? What was her favorite flower? Did she like to cook, or hate it? Was she active and outgoing, or reserved and scholarly?

No one cares about her, really, except as an icon that can serve their purpose.

And that is the most tragic thing of this entire situation.

It’s bottled up inside.

It’s either going to explode or eat me hollow within.

Not sure how to jump-start the purgation. I NEED to be creative. I WANT to be creative. I want to say something, make something, do something…

but nothing comes.

And I feel as though something of potential, something beautiful in its infancy is going to stagnate and rot inside me, polluting both my spirit, and itself.

Because I can’t even induce the slightest tremors of labor pains to birth this bit of wonder.

Or maybe I’m just fooling myself and there’s nothing in there, nothing in my heart or head, worth coming out, and what I’m feeling is the decay of myself… not of some nonexistant creativity that’s stifled or frustrated.

hmmmmmmmmm…

I once had a boyfriend whose birthday was March 15.

Not sure why that’s significant.

Ummm…one month to “your taxes are due or we’ll charge 400 times what you owe today” day…

Let’s see…what else…

The Rogue’s over. That’s a nice thing. We had… 78 people for the first show, 54 for the second, and a sellout for the third. Not too shabby (for a 100 seat venue… not to mention that the sellout had OVER 100 people in it). Over all, I think the general impression by the audience was ‘fun show’. I only heard positive comments, but then…who ever walks up to someone after their show and says “You sucked!” ? Unless it was REALLY bad, and I doubt we were REALLY bad.

I will say that this was the most fun show we’ve done to date. We’re hoping we won’t have to just set it on the shelf and never do it again. It was far too entertaining. Plans are in the offing, I think, to present it again… elsewhere… maybe…

Also danced at the restaurant last Friday… fun. More fun because I got to do it with LS, and we went back to her place after to eat Indian food and talk until 3 a.m. We hadn’t really had a chance to talk much in the past few months. We hashed through everything from our compatible world views to where we want to go with dance. I think it looks like we MAY be spending more time together in the coming year. Not saying more than that, yet… But it might be fun news.

Might be.

LR will be gone to the east coast in less than a month, and it’s a bummer. She’s been such a huge part of dancing for me… I’ll miss her a lot. And she is STRESSED, poor thing. She’s packing a house, and trying to sell a house… plus dealing with the daily life of a 6 year old and a 6 month old, all on her own. But we’re going to try to get together and do something, the two L’s and me… before she’s gone.

Hmmmm…. not much more to add. I’m still adjusting back to normal human life. I have mountains of laundry and dishes… because when I’m not around 24 hours a day, they don’t get done.

BUT…tonight is class…again. Although we’re just going to PK’s to have food and watch the video of our show. A ‘down’ night before we get back into rehearsals for the next thing.

Wheeeee…