… to figure out how to focus for more than a minute.

I need this desperately.

There are times when I feel like saying (or typing) the same thing repeatedly. Now is one of those times.

It’s really the beginning of a sentence; the prelude to a complete thought, but it never gets to the point. It never finishes, and it is not the complete thought itself. It is just an abortive notion.

“There is nothing…. There is nothing… There is nothing… There is nothing… “

Even as I think of other things, or as I type, it’s still tumbling around in my mind, slipping between more important things, bouncing off the places I store the things I’m trying to forget, resting momentarily atop the things of which I should be thinking.

I wonder what it means.

Is there a point where I’m trying to go, but don’t have the courage? Perhaps it wants to complete itself and I won’t let it.

Or maybe it has no ending; an unfinished thought. But a stubborn one. It should be discarded, but refuses.

“There is nothing… There is nothing… There is nothing… “

It’s a mild madness, this obsession with an unfinished statement.

There is nothing…WHAT?!

It would be easy to tidy everything by saying “There is nothing.” is all there is to it. It would be so simple. “There is nothing.” Yup. There we go. Nice and neat. No mess here. Well, perhaps a bit angst-ridden and pessimistic.

There are those who would say that’s exactly what the thought is meant to be in my mind. “It’s you, Joy.” they would say. “You’re so melancholy. You like being depressed. Of course you would say ‘There is nothing’.”

They would be wrong. I am realistic. I don’t like disappointment, so I avoid it as best I can… but I always hope for the best. I am, in fact, incurably optimistic, else I’d have found a way out of this existence long ago. I am also stubborn. Cop-outs are for the weak.

So what does this plaguing little phrase mean? Where is it going?

“There is nothing…”

I can think of a few endings to this… “There is nothing I want more.” True. I know what this references. But this isn’t where this phrase is leading. This is already established.

“There is nothing more I want.” Not true. I want a great deal more.

“There is nothing I can do.” There is always something I can do, always a choice, even if I don’t much care for the choices.

“There is nothing I can say.” That needs even more tacked on the end to be true. “There is nothing I can say that would do any good.” That works. Too long, though, and I’m quite sure that’s not where my mind wants to go.

Shall I Google it and see if someone else has said what my mind thinks it wants to say?

Hmmm… interesting results:

-A cd by Foo Fighters “There Is Nothing Left to Lose”

-A book “There Is Nothing Wrong with You : Going Beyond Self-Hate” … I have to giggle. I should read this, maybe?

-What looks like a few blogs with catchy “There is nothing…” phrases, or titles.

-Ooo… an entry on psych central that says “There is nothing deep about depression.” I’d have to disagree, of course. Depression can be very deep; deep enough that you can’t swim to the surface by yourself.

-Apparently Bill Gates said, somewhere, somewhen, “There is nothing monolithic about chaos.” Sounds interesting, and maybe in an alternate life I might be tempted to find out what he was talking about, but that’s just not helping me here.

-”There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Possible.

-There’s Nothing Sexier Than a . . . Nursing Mom? Interesting article. Definitely not where I was going, but interesting nonetheless.

-Another blog… “There is nothing to see here.” We bloggers are so smug in our ‘individuality’, when we’re really all quite average, not at all exceptional. We’re like the goths and punks and anyone else that’s ‘different’ trying to stand out from the crowd by being EXACTLY LIKE everyone else that dresses, looks, and acts like them. Nothing idividual about that. (I’m talking about people who WANT to be different, but haven’t realized that it’s about being who you are, rather than being a certain way.)

Alright, “There is nothing…” from Google that’s going to help me.

So I’ll just spend my day with that flopping around my brain. “There is nothing… There is nothing… There is nothing…”

Maybe it’ll get tired and die. Maybe all the pinging and bouncing and flopping is just the death throes of malformed, unviable thought. It should never have been born, it can’t survive…

Maybe.

“Anti-aging for Dogs and Cats” …

WTF??!! So I guess they’ve given ME up for a lost cause, and now think I need to youthify my pooch.

Our society grows ever more confused, sick, and inane with each passing minute.

You are a secretive princess. You were born into a
gilded cage. You hated the rules and
restrictions about walking daintily, eating
neatly and always having to look good.
You hated the cameras always flashing in your face
and therefore you hide your true self, behind
plain clothes. But your beauty is still
stunning. Due to the way you continually hide
yourself from the life of rules, you are a
natural rebel. Independence is your strongest
point – you may care for others, and even
depend on them…but when it comes right down
to it, the only one you need is yourself. You
have a strong sense of who and what you are, no
one can control your heart or mind, or even
really influence your thinking. You have a very
serious mind – never acting immature and
harbouring a superior disgust of those who do.

Which proud princess are you? (Dazzling pics and detailed results!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You need security.
There has been many changes in your life and
you have had to live in an unstable
environment. This has lead you to be suspicious
and always on guard. Your mind has a hard time
to unwind and this could lead to you having
sleeping problems, since you think too much.
People are a category you don’t give much trust
at, and find yourself to be a better secret
keeper than they could ever be. Because in your
changing world you have learnt that you only
have yourself in all times.

What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

Batman

Which Tim Burton film character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What IS it about the blues that makes it so exquisite? The music, I mean. Getting the blues isn’t all that wonderful… unless you’re into that sort of melancholy thing…

But good blues… music… mmmm. It slips up behind you, a gossamer line that hooks somewhere deep inside and tugs. It causes the extrusion of that feeling… that velvety, warm, heavy longing that lives somewhere in all of us. It winds its way around, tickling, teasing, pushing, prodding. It spreads over and through, pouring into those aching spots you didn’t know you had. You feel that ache. You WANT that ache. Desire gets stretched out over your conciousness such that you can’t think of anything else. You just move, body carried along in a stream of melody. The rhythm is your pulse.

And then its over, and you feel bereft… but satisfied, having been filled with it.

Blues… sex in sound.

Sometimes, it’s all one has.

You are an Enchantress, somewhat an enigma,
you would love to change the world. You hold
strong views and, would love nothing more, to
use your magic to change the world around you.
When in conversation, you listen, take on their
comments, and fantasise how you could improve
things. Quite the idealist, you think you have
all the answers, whether for right or wrong.
You hold your intellect high, and believe you
can change the world! In a relationship, you
need a partner of high intellect!

The world
and you, often seems at odds, with you
frequently seeing things from a different point
of view.

You have a connection with nature,
often stating , that things will take their
natural course. Nevertheless, secretly, you
would like to use nature to your own
ends.

Your good points are that you are
intelligent, instigative and thoughtful. Your
bad points are, you can be single-minded,
misled and remorseless.

You feel that your
superior knowledge should astound everyone
around you; and you wish for respect from your
peers.

Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla