She’s too exquisite.
Too clean.
She moves with grace and poise.
Her smile launches a thousand ships of dreams.
Pristine and perfect.
Her touch is intoxicating.
Her voice a breathy whisper of promise.
Oh, such beauty as to break the heart.
But I roll with a new crowd now.
She doesn’t know what she’s in for, stupid bitch.
Those eyes look on me with unconditional love as I approach.
Her lips turn up into the madonna’s own smile as I slip behind her and draw my blade across her throat.
Stepping back, I’ll let the others do their work.
Cynicism whispers in my ear, “She lets them do it to her all the time, any time. She never stops them.” as Anger and Sorrow violate her.
Her delicate hand stretches out toward me.
Eyes filled with trust and compassion burn my soul.
Disappointment ties the weight of all my sorrows to her feet as she is dragged toward the swift moving current of time.
And still her gaze is locked to mine.
My God, she is beautiful, even bruised and battered as she has become through this ordeal.
I’m helping to pick her up to toss her into the depths.
And as I slouch away, following my new companions back into the darkness, her last whisper echoes through my mind.
“…but… maybe…”
Stupid, fucking bitch.
In the course of conversation I was asked “What makes you cry?”
And being really bad at conversation, and not mentally quick enough to sufficiently evaluate and come up with a concise answer, I gave an easy one. Not untrue, mind, just easy. I said “Usually happy things.” using a recent wedding as example. And it is quite true. Joy (not me) is the best way to find tears, and the easiest, most accessible. The most ‘allowable’ for those of stoic constitution.
But the question resonates. Reverberates, really. It criss-crosses my thoughts, and I think on it a bit, it flitters away, and returns later, floating in front of me, daring me to commune with it a litte more.
I don’t generally like to cry. (Not that anyone does.) I will grit my teeth, clench my jaw, and steel my gaze in order to avoid it. That whole ’sign of weakness’ thing.
But I do cry.
Here are other things that make me cry.
Heartbreak and rejection. I’d say those are universal. But you know that moment when you realize the person you love more than anything in the world just doesn’t love you back? At least… not in the same way. That aching, black void that opens up inside your heart and threatens to swallow every bit of the light you’ve ever held? Realizing that no matter what you do, how hard you work to change yourself, what you’ll give up, none of that will matter, because it’s not you in the first place, it’s the other person, and there’s just no fixing it unless they do it? And they wont? Yeah. There are tears there.
Suffering. Not my own. I can bear that, because it’s mine, and I can either do something about it, or somehow I’ve brought it on myself, either directly, or it’s my karma. But the suffering of others…true suffering. The people staring at the ruins of their lives in the aftermath of natural disaster. The children whose eyes plead for the chance to remain innocent in the face of atrocity. These things can bring tears.
Transcendance. This one’s hard to describe, since I’ve only felt it a few times. But you know those moments when what you’re experiencing completely transcends the reality of the moment? It’s entering that alternate reality on the wings of music… not when the music lifts and buoys you to delight. I’m talking about when it flows through you, resonates in your pulse and oozes from your fingertips. It re-emerges as your voice, in gestalt with the voices of others, and creates a bright halo above you. None of this is visible. But you feel it. It’s as real as the pores in your skin, the hair standing up on your arms, and radiates from you, surrounds you, and bathes you in its perfect light.
Too gushy? Ok, but that’s what it feels like. And it brings tears. Better than sex. Unless… well… it’s PART of sex. But that’s only happened once for me, and was so fleeting I wonder if I imagined it. The other times it was longer, and better, and part of music.
So there we have it. Tears.
I like Fridays. It’s the day I sleep for hours and hours and hours with no one to bother me. It’s a lovely thing.
So, here’s something amusing for a Friday. It’s one of the most amusing things I’ve ever found online. Shakespeare for the modern, idiot audience.
It’s old news, been around for years, but still good for a giggle.
Can I be this talented and dedicated to at least ONE thing in my life?
Got introduced to this rather amazing thing while surfing other blogs.
Jayzus!
In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day on September 19, I give you…
my new moniker:
Slashin’ Jezebel Slaughter
I also got, on variations of my name, Cheatin’ Eve Bonny and Cap’n Angelina Redbeard.
Aye, surrre an’ I be likin’ ‘em.
But instead of the color in the picture, it will be of the forest green material here, with black lapels.
I have been drooling over one of these for years. YEARS, I say!
It’ll be along the lines of the Abbey Road coat, but, you know… long. And veritably ass-KICKING!
Ahem.
Hello. My name is Joy. I am a rock star.
Ok, I will be when I get my coat in a month or so. (It’s being made to my measurements.)
Alright, I won’t be a rock star. But I’ll look like one.
Fine.
The coat will look like a rock star coat on someone who isn’t a rock star.
There.
But it’ll be mine.
A John Cusack movie.
German hotdogs with sauerkraut.
Skipping out on my psych class. (but that’s only because I woke up with this weird hives/rash thing)
But I still have a chip on my shoulder the size of a small nation. At least I recognize it.
At least I’m functioning once more.
Well, mostly.
Rather than being boring about what’s going on inside my head, I’ll be boring about what’s been going INTO my head over the last three to four months.
Books
Freakonomics Rev Ed: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything (Hardcover)
I liked this one. Everything is a transaction of one kind or another. If this, then this. Makes sense to me. Some people might not like the bare bones of cause and effect, but it’s all there if we learn how to open our eyes and our minds to it. Cause and effect don’t alter, regardless of gender, skin color, affiliation… They just are. Interesting reading.
I’d like to see this thing made into a movie, if only for the sheer spectacle it would provide. (If the budget for the film was big enough… or… unlimited.) I enjoyed the journey through an ‘age’ of China, and the intrigues of the world portrayed.
Michael Crichton in all his “read it in a day” glory. I enjoy these page-turners from time to time, no matter how outlandish they become. (And this one definitely leaped into the realm of ‘I don’t THINK so’.) I’ve noticed authors do that. They really hit their stride and produce some great stories, then, having hit upon what appears to work, start to churn out formulaic books with fill-in-the-blanks plots, some of which are incredibly ridiculous. But we buy them anyway. Stephen King wrote Tommyknockers. Chricton writes things like this. They CAN produce good stuff, we know they can, and they do. But… sometimes it’s not so bad to read these other books they churn out. After all, sometimes you have an evening to kill.
The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists (Leather Bound)
Written proof that men are both despicable and ENTIRELY clueless. Even those that profess to have ‘game’. This intriguing real life account of a life spent prowling bars, clubs, and even the occasional Office Depot for women to have sex with is, at least, entertaining in all its sordid glory. Nerd feels inferior to ‘Alpha Male’. Nerd decides to get help getting chicks. Nerd goes lookin’ fer loooove in allll the wrong places. (But at least he has a grand time while hunting around for it, at the expense of a WHOLE bunch of women who didn’t understand that they were being ruthlessly used for their bodies. Or maybe they didn’t care.) In the end, it seems, there is a realization that learning to have love and respect for yourself, then demonstrate that self esteem, is pretty much the best way to attract a quality mate, rather than just overpower (with tricks and scams) the most genetically attractive female and drag her back to the cave for the act of mating. Smart girls, read this book. Smart males… yeah, I guess you should, too. (So you can figure out that the chicks with any self respect are NOT going to fall for this shit.) Dumb girls… doesn’t matter. You’re going to say “Oh, that would never happen to me. They really LIKE me…” And besides… maybe you like to have sex with whatever walks up and does a magic trick for you. If so, it looks like there are PLENTY of guys out there more than willing to provide the service. Take your pick, but don’t expect them to appreciate it. A cautionary tale… just make sure everybody’s on the same page when you’re mackin’.
Movies
Eh. Fairly accurately interpreted from the book. Book was still better. Chilling to watch, though, in that it makes one think JUST what can happen when one ideological group decides it has the best and only way to live, then forces it on everyone else. Such is the basis of terror and tyranny.
Lagaan – Once Upon a Time in India (2002)
I really enjoyed this one. An interesting plot, just enough bollywood style ‘production numbers’, and not fluffy.
The City of Lost Children (1995)
I could NOT get into this one. Some people might find it very stimulating and interesting, and intellectual… or whatever… Maybe it was the mood I was in, but throughout the whole thing my brain kept defaulting to something along the lines of “fucking weird-ass french shit”. I finished watching it and could only feel that it was just a sorrowful waste of my time to do so. Maybe it’s a fine film, and I somehow missed the point, or the lack thereof, that makes it so great. But for me… not so great.
Now this… THIS was a good use of my time. I happened across it, flipping through channels on cable, and I’m so glad I did. I found it to be lovely in every way.
Sideways (Widescreen Edition) (2005)
Entertaining. I didn’t find it to be all it’s cracked up to be, according to some people, but it WAS entertaining.
miscellanea
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