People!
Cats: miscellanea|Calm DOWN!
From the number of blog comments, personal emails and messages and phone calls I’ve received, you’d think I had threatened suicide.
At no point did I say “I am going to take my own life.” Nor did I say “I wish to be dead, therefore I am going to make it happen.”
If you have learned ANYthing from reading the words that come out of my head, you should have learned that I take great pains to be very precise with those words. If I intend something, I say it very clearly. There is no vague reference that might, could, possibly, sort of, maybe, mean something. I will bludgeon you with the sledgehammer of my will. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.
But… for the record, if I WERE going to kill myself, I would leave no hint. None. No warning. No clue. I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I certainly wouldn’t make broad statements about the futility of life to tip anybody off. What would be the point? If I were going to do it, I would just do it and not piss around with the idea. I consider death, in any circumstance, to be a very private, personal thing. One would think I would be even more close-mouthed and private about my own. It’s ridiculous to broadcast such a thing. It smacks of attention-getting. If I want attention, I’ll throw some other kind of hissy fit. Killing myself is NOT the way to get attention. There would be no enjoying the attention. Counterproductive.
Also note… I am of the opinion that killing oneself is a copout. I will have ALL of you know I am far better than that. I am superior to such cowardly ways. I am stronger. Better. Faste…. Why am I hearing 70s theme music?
Seriously. I’m not a quitter. Not that kind, anyway.
No… what I was expressing with my previous blog… was an all-around frustration with the circumstances I have found myself in. I’m still climbing out of that hole. It is very deep. Such depth, and yet so shallow in some ways.
Haven’t YOU ever felt that you just don’t have the energy, anymore, for anything? Haven’t you ever wondered why you’re moving forward in a direction that really doesn’t matter anymore?
I just… wished, especially at that given moment, that I were dead rather than having to deal with what was… is… going on inside my mind.
I will warn you, if you’re going to get your undergarments bunched over reading something like this in my blog, you should probably just… stop… reading it. I will take no responsibility for you getting upset over ME working out my emotions.
The sky is NOT falling, Chicken Little. It’s just a really big thunderstorm, and I’m outside without a raincoat and umbrella.
I could die from a lightning strike, but that wouldn’t be my fault. That would be divine will. I could die from hypothermia, but that would only be if I were too stupid to figure out it was getting cold. (I’m not.) I could die from the flu virus that ran rampant through my body and turned into pneumonia because I stayed out too long and suppressed my immune system. (This could be happening right now. I’ve lost my voice and there is an alien living in my chest.)
But I am NOT going stare up into the raindrops, open my mouth and try to drown myself. I’m not going to throw myself into the river.
Don’t get histrionic when I talk about how I FEEL.
Jayzus.
