1… ah ah ah ah… 2… ah ah ah aaaah….
Cats: miscellanea|
I’m counting. GET it??? What, you never watched Sesame Street?
Well, anyway… I’m counting.
What counts today? Today I’m counting the things that make me smile.
They change from time to time. Until fairly recently, there was something that would make me smile no matter when the thought occurred, or where I was… and now all it does is bring overwhelming grief and tears to my eyes… BUT, I CAN count that I had that for a while, and I smiled quite a bit. For a while.
There are other things that are more enduring.
I decided to count these random moments, these smiles throughout the day, because of a particular such curve of my lips this morning.
I was in my daughter’s room, here at my apartment. She’s a lucky girl, in that she has TWO rooms, one here, one at her dad’s house, to fill with all the things she loves, the things her adolescent heart feels represent her, or inspire her in some way. And filled they are.
Her room is always messy. Both of them. She is sometimes so much like her mother that I have to struggle to remain aware that she is her own person, and as much like me as she may be, she is still absolutely unique.
I was in her room, depositing some of her ‘stuff’ there as it doesn’t belong in my living room. As I stood in the middle of chaos, looking around at her dresser, night stand, desk and bookcase… every surface covered with an assortment of dragons, fairies, books (my God, I’m so pleased my girl loves to read as much as I do…), trash/treasures of painted rocks, shiny baubles, bits of metal she found laying in the road, random tattered ribbons saved from the horrible fate of the trash can…
As I stood looking around at all these things, and the tangle of bright-colored clothes on the floor… the tie-dyed shirt, the crocheted lace blouse, the striped arm warmers, the glitter-flecked jeans, the metal studded belt, the home-made arm warmers created from womens hosiery (which she devised on her own, not knowing it’s an OLD old old old punk and goth trick)…
As I stood peering down at the vivid illustrations of fantastic creatures that she has drawn…
As I nudged with my toe the magazines littering her floor… Kids Discover magazine, Faery magazine, Scientific American Mind magazines (stolen from MY room)…
I could have frowned at the mess. I could have lamented at the lack of organization, and railed at the reason she can NEVER… FIND… ANYTHING…
but I smiled.
A serene smile of contentment. A smile filled with warm pride.
This is my girl. This is who she is, now. And what is here, now, will lead to who she will BE… and I was standing right there in the middle of it.
For all that the separation of her parents has been incredibly painful for her, and difficult to understand, still… I can see who she is, and that she is not completely damaged. She clings to hope. She finds solace in wonder and enchantment. She exercises her imagination… while still holding fast to logic and reality. She has a keen interest in thought, and why we think, and how we think, and what influences it all. She has already developed a fairly stable belief system, and yet she remains open to spirituality and belief in something greater even when it manifests in ways that are unfamiliar to her.
I stood in the middle of the inner sanctum of a VERY good person. She is pure, and beautiful, and precious.
And for now, she is still mine. One day she will no longer be mine. She will grow to be completely her OWN person. And she may decide to belong, mutually, to someone else. I encourage, and truly hope for both of these things for her.
And I pray she is more successful than I have been in finding them. (Especially in a timely manner.)
She’s the only chance I’m going to have to feel this sense of accomplishment. When I was younger, I never really intended to have ANY children. Now I can’t imagine having lived a full life without knowing this.
The job isn’t done. It never will be. That’s how it goes when you have a child. There are good moments, and very bad moments. They bring worry and fear and apprehension of a sort that is ONLY the province of a parent caring for a child. They bring tears, and gritted teeth, and anger, and absolute frustration. But today, in that moment, I smiled… and I felt that accomplishment. So far so good. She’s a great person.
So here’s to the things that make us smile suddenly, without warning, without preamble… just… knowing. Knowing you should smile, because it is good, and that’s what that moment, that place, that vision, that smell, that thought, that sound tells you.
Smile.
March 30th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Joy, that is a really beautiful and elequont count. It made me smile wider than the man on the moon.
BTW… I don’t think I said I felt old… just a “has-been”. lol! When are we getting together again?
March 30th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I blogged this some time ago, but once the little 2 year old wanted ‘momagranite’ seeds. I got a bowl for her, and started filling it with pomegranite seeds.
She got a stool, and set the bowl near me, the easier to refill it. One time, it was empty and she gave me that look of anticipation. I held out a bit, like I didn’t have any ready, then put a bunch into her bowl that I was hiding in my hand.
She smiled, I smiled. She started eating away.
Then she said “Teffen, you a good person. You no never mean to me, you always nice to me. You a good person!”
I smiled so much I cried.
You write so well about how the little things mean so much, and I feel I understand completely when you cherish yourself for your 2 year old accomplishment. Which you didn’t, but I am allowing for the unwritten sentiment.
For even in the hardest of times, your daughter has found and is finding her own way, thanks to the grace and resolve of YOU.
Good job, Mommy. You’re doing the best you can…and that’s all your child can ask
April 8th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
That made me smile too.