Ok, so it’s not summer yet, but it certainly felt like the beginning of it today. And it’s only the end of April.

Lovely day to sit by the pool, though. And I did. The podling splashed about incessantly. I got in intermittently. It was nice, and I know staying out 2 hours was dumb, but it was just… so nice.

So I’ll be a bit crispy this week.

We’ll probably go back out tomorrow as well. The girl does like her pool time, and I don’t mind taking her. Must needs pick up some sunscreen before tomorrow, though. And a big floppy hat. heh

It has gone on for so long, the behind-the-scenes machinations.

I have heard too many first hand accounts of the nastiness directed at others, the talking behind backs while the unknowing target puts heart and soul into their performance, the sniping and cruel criticisms, the venom and tittering laughter while someone does their best on stage.

I have seen the results of these passive-aggressive tactics.

And now I’m pissed. This nonsense needs to stop. Grown women should not behave, act, or REact as it seems people are doing.

For one thing, if you have a problem with someone, or the way they have costumed, or the photos they took to promote an upcoming event, or their performance… it is inappropriate to discuss such things with others in a derogatory and scathing manner. It makes you look like an ass. It makes you appear to be nothing better than jealous, and nothing less than petty.

Dancers, performers, instructors, who are confident in their abilities and in the esteem of their students and audiences… do NOT need to disparage the efforts of other dancers.

Someone who has nothing to fear, and who deserves the respect of everyone in a local dance community, should NOT be spreading innuendo, rumor, and outright lies about a person they have not had the courage to approach regarding that person’s intentions or troupe affiliation.

No. Let me be blunt. That may be best. Let’s just really lay the cards out on the table here. I’ll show my hand. Do you have the courage to show yours? Hm?

Do not go to my instructor, the person I consider to be my main dance mentor, someone very dear to my heart, and fill her ear with poison about me or my intentions. How can someone who has spent almost no time with me, has no clue about my character or integrity, and who has made NO attempt to address their concerns TO me… have any idea what I’m thinking, or what I’m doing?

I am angered that a person would DARE to use someone I respect so much in this way. I am aghast that they would presume to pay lip service to the idea of “hurting her”, when it is their own intrigue, whisperings and conjecture that does the hurting.

Do you want to know what troupe I identify with, of which I am a part? Ask ME.
Do you want to know if I intend to leave that troupe? Ask ME.
Do you want to know why I’m participating in an event? Ask ME.

I have always been up front about my intentions. I dance with whom and where I please. That has always been clear. When I have committed to a troupe event, I won’t let anything get in the way of that. That does not stop me from pursuing other interests at other times.

My instructor has always been supportive of my efforts to learn and grow. She has always been supportive of my efforts to dance at various events, in various venues, with various people.

I have always been clear in my affiliation with her troupe whenever I DO those events, so people will know who taught me. It gives credit where credit is due. It makes it clear that, while I’m doing an outside event, I am also part of something else, and maybe people will want to see what that’s all about as well.

So, yes, I use the troupe name when promoting my dancing, because people should know that members of our troupe are versatile.

There is no disrespect for my instructor in dancing with other people. In fact, it shows the respect she has for ME, or any of her other students, that she encourages us to pursue our dance interests outside what we do with the troupe.

I am disheartened that there are those who seek to undermine the relationship between my teacher and her students by coming to her with twisted tales of what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it.

These same people who have, by first hand accounts, spoken so very poorly of her, and said things I find reprehensible.

So let’s just clear the air. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and I certainly have no shame in what I’m about to say.

My name is Joy. I am a dancer with the Ananka Dance Company in Fresno, California, and I have been so affiliated since 1998. My teacher, and main instructor, is Ely Buffin. She has a wealth of knowledge of which I know I haven’t even scratched the surface. She is also a wonderful human being that I am pleased to have made a part of my life, and I would never intentionally, or knowingly, disrespect her. I have much to learn from her, and as long as she is willing to share her knowledge with me, I will keep learning.

I also dance with other people. There are several former students of Ely’s that I consider good friends. If and when I am invited to dance with them, I will do so as I please, as my time and schedule allow, with a happy heart that I can share my time with people who share my dance roots.

I will dance with people who are not affiliated directly with Ely. I have in the past, and intend in the future, to learn from many different instructors, take workshops in things that interest me, and continually pursue different styles of dance.

I count Lydia, the director of Tanjora Tribal Bellydance, as a dear friend. We have discovered many things in common outside of our shared interest in dancing, and our friendship has grown, independent of it. I have danced with her at various times. She has referred jobs to me, and I have shared job referrals with her. I have no intention of avoiding association with her, or her troupe. I have met most of the people that dance with her, and I like everyone I have met thus far. If invited to dance with them as a guest, I would be delighted to do so.

People who treat me with respect and kindness will receive the same from me. I am saddened to know there are those for whom I once held great respect and esteem that have seen fit to make assumptions about me and my personal character that are incorrect and unflattering.

I will make no apologies for participating in an event billed as “pirate bellydance”.

It’s fun. It’s funny. It’s a lark. It’s fantasy. It also happens to be a popular trend nationwide. It’s performance art of a different kind. (And not much of a departure from what I’ve done with the troupe all these years.) What IF… pirate wenches bellydanced? What would that look like?

If you come to the show on May 25, you’ll get our perspective on the idea.

I may be unwelcome at your events, but you are more than welcome to attend mine. What I do may not be what you do, but I don’t fear what you do. I do not consider what you do as a reflection on MY artistic expression. And you should not consider what *I* do as a reflection on yours.

You can be certain I will show less skin while doing it than the persons who have made unkind remarks about my photos have shown in their own past performances.

And I always wear proper underwear.

The INTERVIEW MEME from lecram’s blog. Here they are questions just for me, with my answers.

joy – here are your questions. Envision the interview taking place on the rooftop restaurant in old Shanghai.

1. What is the one incident growing up that changed your perception of everything?

I don’t know that there is that ‘one’ incident. There are a few, and none of them are things I think I should dwell on for very long. Nor am I inclined to share them publicly. Going from a carefree, vivacious and energetic person to a withdrawn, cautious, fearful, subdued, unfailingly responsible person was the result of many incidents. My perception changed from one of hope, trust, and eagerness to one of cynicism, isolation, and apathy. Been working to turn that around for some years now, though.

2. If you were to pick 3 artists and merge their work to represent who you are visually… who would those be?

I only get three? And of those that come to mind immediately… I don’t think their work would merge well… it’s all different.

Waterhouse, just for the beauty. And I’m sure that has more to do with the models he used, than his overall style… I’ve been told at times (more often when I was younger) that I look like some of those paintings. I pick Waterhouse just because of the visual similarity, though much of what he painted does convey a certain romantic quality that draws me, and is absolutely a part of me.

Klimt, because there’s a kind of romance there as well, but with a dark side, a mystery, an unfathomable oddity that illustrates things I think and feel.

Georgia O’Keefe. Her work was vivid and straightforward. Yet, for all that the subjects simply stood for what they were, the viewer is still left with the impression of something other, something deeper, often sensual or stark.

Yeah, ok, that’s 3.

3. What is “the bottom line” for you?

The “bottom line” in terms of what?

Personally? My integrity, and being treated with respect. You’ll get what you give me, and nothing more. I can’t bear to compromise my integrity, and I require that it be recognized.

Generally? “What is… is.” Life may be what we make it, but there are things out of my control, and it is a constant struggle to remember that I must move past those things. Constant mindfulness of the reality surrounding me, as well as the fact that there are perspectives that are not my own, all seeing what I see through different eyes.

Oh! And lately… Never settle. Never, never, never, settle.

How’s that for a bottom line or two?

4. If you were given the opportunity to “knock on wood” to actualize something… what would it be?

Strangely, I fear this question. I’m afraid to consider it. I’m not sure I’d like what I came up with as an answer.

5. Dim Sum or wanton noodle soup?

I don’t know, but I’d like to find out.

If anyone would like to be interviewed, here’s how to keep the meme going:

Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions, and let me know that you answered. If you don’t have a blog, but would still like to play, I can send you the questions, and you can answer them in the comments. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And so on, and so on… and they tell five friends, and they tell five friends…

And soon we’re building our own network marketing organization and we’re all MILLIONAIRES!

No, wait, nevermind. But the question thing… yeah, that can keep going.

For one of my classes. I have to come up with 4 people to use as ‘references’ as though I were applying for a job. (This is, I suspect, to prepare me with the references I’ll need when I DO apply for a job.)

Problem: It can’t be family (a given) or a friend. That last is difficult. The only people I know are people I consider friends. Everyone else is an acquaintance that probably doesn’t know me well enough to qualify to be a reliable reference… so how does one get around THAT?

Anyway, if you kinda know me, and think I’m cool, and would like to be a reference that could vouch for me if/when I apply for jobs… you know… let me know and stuff.

You Would Do Most Things For Love

You are willing to go pretty far for love – but not far enough to compromise your core values. Yeah, those core values of… me me me. Love is a priority for you, and you’ll go further than most people to hold on to someone you love. And have. Fat lot of good it did me. But killing for love? Or even taking a bullet? Probably out of the question. Actually, those are things I WOULD do for love. The things that are out of the question are being entirely objectified, discounted, and disrespected. Oh, and that ignoring thing. I don’t like putting up with that one, either. My worth MUST be recognized and demonstrated. No matter what, you love yourself the most! Damn straight, shweetheart. Because everyone else fails me.

You Are Independent Sexy

You drive men crazy with your “playing hard to get act” Doubt it. Except, it’s really not an act at all. That’s true. You’re a strong, sexy woman with her own life and interests. Not strong, the sexy thing is intermittent, the last part is accurate. And that makes men even more interested in you! Not the right ones. You know, the ones that are up to the task.

You Are Pretty Happy Being Single

You have a full, fun life. And you definitely don’t need love to be content. Uh… I guess. Of course, being single can get you down a little. Knowing there will never ben anyone for me… yeah. Especially when you’ve been single for a while. Actually, I’m hoping I’ll get used to it and it will get better. But you know how to be patient and wait for the right person. Er… no I managed to lose that one. You’re life is too good to settle for anything! That’s for damned sure.

You Are a Candy Heart

You’re definitely a pro when it comes to romance – and you have great dating etiquette. Plus you probably smell and taste pretty darn good. I don’t know about that, but one does try to avoid becoming Attila the Hun.

Of course, these results are skewed by the absolute emotional agony I’m in on a daily basis. And no, I don’t need drugs for that. I’m just completely heartbroken, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to last for the rest of my life.

Lush Life in my head. Yeah, this version.

So… I’m driving down the road, trying to sing along with the soundtrack in my head…

I have decided.

This song is a gdmfsobrbpos.

It’s awesome. And frustrating as hell.

Doesn’t help that my brain is mush. Still no sleeping going on.

I’m stifling stuff now, and sailing along through life. School, internship, learning stuff, doing stuff, forcing myself to focus on the task at hand. Because I can’t afford to continue the grieving. I’m not done, by a long shot. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be done. Gaping hole of a wound. Endless ache and loss.

Problem is, it’s going to hit the fan eventually. Probably at a most inconvenient time. I wonder what THAT blowup is going to destroy.

But… I just don’t sleep. Just…don’t. I try. I do everything I can. And then it’s 3 a.m. and if I DID manage to doze off, I’m awake once more, staring at the ceiling, the bright red numbers glowing across the room…

I just give in and stay there. No use fretting. I just… exist. I wonder if that’s what it means to be in limbo, you know… that place where there is nothing. No good, or bad, just… existing.

I’m just so tired. And that makes it harder to deny the tears when they do decide to surprise me. They come at the weirdest moments, the most seemingly innocuous thoughts. And the strength of the reaction is alarming. One moment I’m walking to my mailbox, the next I’m wiping my hand across my eyes and hoping no one saw.

This goes deeper than I thought it did. How deep is the cut? How infected the wound? How much of myself is poisoned that’s going to have to be dug out and lost forever? How painful the operation? How ugly the scar?

I could even say it’s not worth the pain. Nothing is worth this neverending unhappiness. But that’s life. Sometimes… we pay far more for things than we ever intended… giving up many times the worth of what we got out of them.

I’ll never give away that much again, no matter what I’m offered.

Funny, having had that song floating around in my brain all day…

“I’ll forget you,
I will,
While yet you are still
burning inside my brain.

Romance is mush
stifling those who strive.

I’ll live a lush life
in some small dive.

And there I’ll be
while I rot with the rest
of those whose lives are lonely too.”

New quarter…

Repeating a class (a good thing), a database software class – in other words, Microsoft Access (cakewalk), a career development class (busy work), PLUS… project planning phase ‘class’ (consisting of a few assignments throughout the quarter) and the internship ‘class’ (advisor/teacher keeping tabs on what’s up with the internship)

And the internship.

First day at that today as well. Very cool. Orbiting intelligent people. Always a good thing. I think I’ll learn things there.

Tired. Didn’t sleep well last night. Need food.

Roast Beast. Leafy salad. Guilty pleasure of watching Jericho tonight. (I do love my post-apocalyptic soap-opera.) Sleeping early, I think.

I hope the thing that continues to keep me up nights eventually goes away. It’s inconvenient, and pointless, and just won’t leave me alone no matter how I try to distract my mind.

Food. I was headed for food… it’s in that other room, away from the keyboard. Must go there now.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

My middle name is the same as my aunt’s middle name. That’s close enough for me.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Daily since January. I’m getting a little tired of it. Sometimes it’s just that achey, momentary welling of tears, sometimes it becomes a full-blown sobbing tempest. No, I’m not depressed. I’m grieving. They say time heals that wound. I think it just scabs over and becomes a bothersome scar that you learn how to work around.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

It’s readable. Usually. That’s good enough.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Something fresh from a real deli. Roast beast is good.

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

I’d be stupid not to be. I’m freakin’ fantastic, and a far sight better than a lot of people. (No offense to “a lot of people”… but… you know…I’m fabulous. Really.)

6. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

Oh… no. No, of course not. Why would I do that?

7. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes.

8. WOULD YOU BUNGEE?

No. If I were going to throw myself from something reeeeally far from the ground, it would be for the purpose of going ‘splat’. I’m not inclined to do that.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

I don’t do cereal. If I were forced, I suppose it would be Frosted Mini Wheats.

10. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Physically, not very. Emotionally and mentally… until recently I would have said yes. But now…

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

It used to be Phish Phood, but since I found I have certain philosophical and political differences with Ben & Jerry, I just can’t support them anymore. So now, I’d have to say green tea ice cream. Mmmmmmmmmm

12. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

“People? There are people? OH! Look… people.” That’s what I notice. That they’re present.

13. RED OR PINK?

Red. Joy does NOT do pink.

14. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

How long have you got…?

15. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Bad question. We will move on to the next.

17. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

Uh…pants? Shoes?

18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Tri-tip, corn, merlot soaked cheddar cheese

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

The whir of my portable HD… and it’s bothering me, because I shouldn’t be able to hear it.

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Black.

21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?

Until recently, the mingled scent of a particular cologne and cigarettes. But, because I must erase that from my brain now, I will say rosemary, spearmint, or cloves. Oh, and amber essential oil.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Lydia

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

I’d rather stab my eyes out with a dull pencil. Everyone else can watch sports… I don’t mind. As long as I have my books.

25. HAIR COLOR?

Auburn brown now because of the lovely, lovely henna.

26. EYE COLOR?

Brown

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

No.

28. FAVORITE FOOD?

That depends on the year/month/week/day/hour/minute. I like rich pasta dishes, I love flavorful cheeses, I like beef in it’s many varieties, I love German sausage and sauerkraut, I adore steamed greens, mustard greens, black-eyed peas flavored with ham, ooo… lamb! Kebab! Chocolate! Mashed potatoes! Garlicky things! Asparagus! Artichokes! Butter!

Get the picture? I like food. Generally, of the flavorful sort… but skewing to the ‘comfort food’ side.

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Action-packed, things blowing up, limbs getting severed, bullets spraying, vengeance-filled, cars destroyed … happy endings. But not dumbass, sappy, mushy happy endings. Tough, triumphant, life goes on, and fuck you for asking happy endings.

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Kill Bill. See?

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Black tank top. Says ‘bellydancer’ on it.

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Fall. Damned limiting questions.

33. HUGS OR KISSES?

THAT… depends on the person. Hugs AND kisses if it’s someone in the acceptable inner circle. Very brief hugs for those just outside of that. A handshake for anyone else.

34.FAVORITE DESSERT ?

These days, the kind somebody else pays for. Preferably of the chocolate variety… though I did have this ice cream with a brandy topping once that nearly made me faint.

37. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?

Several. I can’t read just one book at a time. ‘Eldest’, because I like to know what the podling is obsessing over. ‘The Sanity We Are Born With’ because I have lost my way and I need to return to the path of self. ‘Einstein’ the new biography, because it’s fascinating.

38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Don’t have one. My optical mouse prefers the smooth desktop.

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?

I did not watch TV last night.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

Another bad question. One that I will very likely never hear again. Moving on.

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

I like both, but I think I skew more to the Stones side of things… unless it’s “Come Together” and that sort of sound.

42. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME ?

Um… Denmark/Sweden, I think.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

I have many talents. I don’t know if they’re ‘special’.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In a hospital.

Early in the mornin’ I can’t do right
Had a little fight with my baby last night
And it’s early in the mornin’
Don’t you know it’s early in the mornin’

Early in the morning
I ain’t got nothin’
No, nothin’ but the blues

I went to your girlfriend’s house but she was out
I knocked on your daddy’s door but he began to shout
and he said
It’s early in the mornin’
Don’t you know it’s early in the mornin’

Early in the mornin’
I ain’t got nothin’
No, nothin’ but the blues

I went to Dooby Chase to get somethin’ to eat
The waitress looked at me and said Harry you sure look beat
I said It’s early in the mornin’
Don’t you know it’s early in the mornin’

Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
Early in the mornin’
I ain’t got nothin’ but the
ain’t got nothin’ but the
ain’t got nothin’ but the
ain’t got nothin’ but the
ain’t got nothin’ but the
ain’t got nothin’ but the blues

Early in the mornin’ I can’t do right
Had a little fight with my baby last night
And it’s early in the mornin’…