No.

No, I do not have my grandmother held captive in a bottle. I’m not the sort of person that collects things like Bonsai Kittens.

What I HAVE… is this:

It’s Rose Milk.

Apparently you can get it online at Drugstore.com for over $9 per bottle. I got mine at a local 99cent and more store for about $1.50.

Anyway… I picked it up a while back on one of those excursions with lecram to get yummy noodle soup from Pho 75 #2. Yes. That’s the name of the restaurant. The little 99 cent + store is next door. It also happens to be the place he found that pretty, flashing Christmas lighter that features in his vlog Christmas greeting.

Rose Milk… the very scent brings back memories of Grandma’s sunny kitchen after a day out in her yard, helping her pull weeds, or pick flowers, or… I don’t know what it was I used to do while she did REAL yard work… I probably got in the way more than anything.

Still, I can vividly recall climbing those steep concrete steps (which probably aren’t nearly as steep as an adult) up to the back porch, the creak of the door going in… then the echo-y sound opening the door from the tiny enclosed porch into the kitchen. “Let’s wash our hands, now…” she would say. I’d drag the step stool over to the sink and clamber up to wash my hands next to her. The water flowed in a glistening stream down over her aged, but always shapely and graceful, hands. Then I washed my hands and we both dried them with a flour sack tea towel with bright embroidery on it. Then the Rose Milk. No sense in getting chapped and sore hands.

We’d stand there by the kitchen sink, sun streaming in through the window. The honey-colored wood of the cabinets glowed. Her honey-colored hair shone. Her beautiful milk-white skin and my tanned little hands now rose scented. “Now we can sit down for a while, I’m tuckered. Go get your embroidery and we’ll see what’s on the television.” Her warm aqua eyes brooked no argument, and I would never have dreamed of it anyway. Time with Grandma was always interesting. I was always doing something, even when we were sitting down. No chance for boredom.

Hm. I should revive that habit.

But now I have the pink bottle in MY kitchen. The scent is more than a little strong. In fact, it’s a bit overpowering.

But it’s handy when I’ve had my hands in dishwater a lot and they’re feeling a little sore. It seems I have inherited Gran’s chronic dry skin. And… it’s a bit of nostalgia for one of the few people that I have truly felt loved by.

It’s Grandma. In a bottle.

Twins. I found both of these in the same box. I wonder if they were sent the same year. Wait… whoops, I just found another… THREE of the same…. hm.

One says

To Glen H.
From Nicholas

The other says

To Doris Yager
From Mary Fusi + Dolly Fusi

The third

To Doris Yager
from Iris

It’s a normal thing to do. You have something in your hand. You need to do something else with your hand, so you just shove whatever it is in the pocket of your coat.

Then you go home, you take off your coat and put it in the closet.

Then the weather heats up and you never remove your coat from the closet until the following year.

You become acclimated to the warmer, sometimes blistering, but in the fall, generally balmy climate of the temperate zone in which you live.

Then the temperature drops dramatically and the coat comes out of its seasonal hibernation. Rather than taking its woolly, furry, warmy goodness into a cave for the winter, it comes out of its cave to wrap around you and keep you cozy.

And your hands, unaccustomed to the chill wind of January, seek refuge in those deep pockets.

You encounter a mini time capsule within each pocket. What were you doing a year ago?

Apparently you ate a caramel, for there is a wrapper, balled up and stuck that way in that deepest corner of the pocket. You also had a sore throat, given that there are a few empty lozenge wrappers and one still in the wrapper… though the wrapper is partially unwrapped and the lozenge is more than a little fuzzy with lint.

The paperclip straightened into what is now more or less a long metal pin suggests you may have needed to open a jammed cd drive… or pick a simple lock…

Inexplicably, however, you find you have a business card in your pocket. It is a business card you do not recall receiving or picking up.

This business card is bright yellow, with a simple graphic advertising a local cab company. It tells you that you can pay with a variety of credit cards by the tiny card icons up at the top right corner. The cab company’s slogan tells you how very long they have been in operation… only a decade away from a century. It bears two phone numbers… to be doubly sure you’ll call them first?

But on the back… here you find a name. Just a first name. Jim. It’s scrawled in careless cursive with a string of digits below it, two of which are hard to decipher. 595 … or is that 696? 9837?

You think that’s what it says. Maybe not. Pretty messy.

Jim.

Do you know a Jim?

And why do you have Jim’s number?

This is especially perplexing, given that you have not been in a cab in close to 20 years, nor have you had occasion to call one for anyone else. (Though it has crossed your mind a time or two.)

Is Jim a past, fleeting, love interest? Or were you one such for him, at least, that he hastily scrawled a hint of your allure which you absently slipped into a pocket without a second glance. Are you so callous and uncaring? Was he that uninteresting?

Is Jim a cab driver? Or did Jim just take a cab one fateful day, retrieving a business card to remind him of the cab company’s number in the future, should he ever need it… then lightning struck and he was faced with a hurried need to convey, in 3 short letters and 7 numbers, his momentary hope that he could do more than say hello to you.

And now you have this bright yellow card. With a name and a number. And you really don’t know who Jim was. You don’t know what Jim looks like. You don’t know what Jim does for a living, or even if Jim thought you were pretty. Maybe Jim was looking for someone to babysit his kids. Maybe Jim was a mechanic, and in some brief, “time of day” sort of exchange, you mentioned you needed someone to have a look at that odd sound you could hear under the hood of your car every so often…

Who is Jim?

And why is your memory so short that you can’t remember the events a year ago that caused you to cross Jim’s path?

WHO IS JIM?!

Alas… poor Jim… I knew him, Horatio. But I promptly forgot him.

71 Things….

1] What is your middle name?
It’s another dish soap.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Gray. Like all the other little boxes in the big metal box it inhabits.

[3] Do you have a crush?
Crush?
No.

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No. I’m something of a pacifist. I would never strike a deer, even in anger.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
No.

[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
I don’t read yellow journalistic periodicals.

[7] Who checks the mail in your house?
Me. Or the podling. Usually me.

[8] Do you have a small driveway?
Does the driveway through the apartment complex count? If so… big.

[9] Do you know anyone with the same ring tone as you?
Probably not. And it all depends on which ring tone.

[10] What do you do first in the morning?
Curse soundly.

[11] What brand is your printer?
HP

[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
No.

[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Straight.

[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Mrs. Brazil (pronounced “BRA-zul” the ‘a’ is like the ‘a’ in “at”). The teacher’s aide was Mrs. Fish.

[16] Are you taller than your mother?
Yes.

[17] Do you have a favorite word?
No.
No, that’s it. My favorite word is ‘no’.

[18] Are you God?
Not me. Someone else is.

[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
I have found that I don’t get over one.

[20] Do you have a deep, dark secret?
Oh yes. Yes I have.

[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Enjoy? Not so much…

[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
No. Finally. Arm’s a lot better, thanks for asking.

[24] Do you often cry during movies?
Not often. I try to avoid sappy shit.

[25] Do you hate your life?
Pretty much.

[26] Do you get mad easily?
More like… annoyed. Anger is reserved for special occasions.

[27] Do you drink to get drunk?
Never. And I’ve never been drunk. I find drunk people to be… well… sad.

[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Drivers who don’t get out of my way when they’re going slower than I am.

[29] What is your away message?
eh?

[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
Um… Yes?

[32] Who should pay on the first date?
The man. Ok… the person who asked the other one out. In my case, that would be the man, because I don’t ask people out.

[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
0. Because I’m not willing to date these days.

[34] Do you have any friends?
Supposedly. I guess. Probably? I hope.

[35] Do you have any mean friends?
Mean friends? hmmm… No, not really.

[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Pink.

[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn’t stand?
Sure.

[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Yes.

[39] Have you ever been fired from a job?
Nope.

[40] What year was your first love?
I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

[41] Do you have a cell?
What kind? Skin cell? Blood cell? What are we talking about? I have those kinds. Hopefully I don’t have a cancer cell or something…

[42] What brand are the pant/jeans you’re wearing right now?
I don’t know… I think they’re something from Target, because I’m cheap.

[43] How tall are you?
5 foot 5.

[44] What is the closest green object?
The speaker plug in the back of the computer on the desk in front me.

[45] What is on your feet?
Black high top sneakers with dragons embroidered up the sides.

[46] Do you like watermelon?
Yes.

[48] Do you want to have kids?
No thanks… oi’ve already GOT one… It’s verrra niiice.

[49] What is the brightest color you’re wearing currently?
Khaki/tan. Yeah. I’m a real standout.

[50] Who is the last friend you have that you would ever expect to be gay?
I don’t expect sexuality of people… gay or straight. It’s not something I generally contemplate about people, and certainly not my friends.

[52] What’s your mothers middle name?
uh-huh… Social Engineering, rearing your ugly head again, you sly thing.

[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?
Six String Samurai. There are people who have said I didn’t comprehend it properly. I’d say they’re right. I found it dreadfully tedious.

[54] Do you collect comic books?
I probably would if I could afford it.

[55] Do you like your dad?
Yeah. He’s a good guy.

[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Firefly.

[57] Are you wearing makeup?
On the eyes. I’m looking very tired these days. Must compensate.

[58] Do you have a tattoo?
Never.

[59] Have you ever been happily in love?
I thought I was. Ok… I WAS happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my life… but apparently the other person wasn’t nearly as enamored, and now I am more unhappy than I have ever been. Such is life. Up, down… plateau… recycle. I think I’ll just hang on the plateau indefinitely.

[60] If you won the lottery you would…
Pay all my bills, student loans, etc… Invest a large chunk of what was left, college fund for the podling… then maybe a new car or something.

[61] Is there something you want to tell someone, but you haven’t?
Many things. But I can’t. Not yet. Maybe never.

[62] Do you know how to draw?
Writing implement, blank surface… what’s there to know? Now, if the question is “Do you know how to draw well?” I’d have to answer with “no.”

[63] Who is your hero?
I don’t believe in heroes. Yeah, some people do amazing or wonderful things… but what one person finds amazing or wonderful may be considered a complete waste of time by someone else. Celebrities aren’t heroes, they’re just people who either got lucky, or worked their asses off to get what they have… Sometimes people who have done heroic things do become celebrities… and that often seems to cheapen the good thing they did in the first place. So… no. No heroes.
Although I do joke that Kermit the Frog is my hero, because it’s not easy being green.

[64] Who’d you last IM?
An old high school friend. Nice to know he’s still alive, but he certainly didn’t update me on his life or family. Then again… I bailed and went to bed before a real conversation could ensue.

[65] Do you work a lot of hours?
Not if I can help it.

[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
I’m grumpy… but if I can sit down and pound on the piano and sing at the top of my lungs it sometimes helps a little. Dancing helps, too… but not always.

[67] Who was the last person that called you?
Um… My dad, I think.

[68] Is there anything you regret?
I used to make it a point to never regret anything, since all experience is a chance to learn. But now I have one thing that I do regret, a terrible betrayal of my better judgement, that will haunt me forever. I learned nothing from it, because I knew better in the first place. It was a wrong that I chose knowingly that had horrible consequences… and that is my regret.

[69] Do you know where your family names originated from?
Germany/Austria/Prussia… I think. I guess.

[70] Is there any animal/creature that creeps you out?
Any creature that sneaks up and startles me. THAT creeps me out. A spider that I didn’t know was there running across my arm, coming across a snake unexpectedly… that kind of thing.

[71] What was the last thing you did for fun?
Help someone with his film project on Monday and Tuesday. That was fun. And the coat had damned well better get film credit. It’s a star, too, ya know.

CheezChris’ … I need a nap. That was teeeedious.

You’ll have to click on them to actually read them.

But not in the way Walt Whitman meant.

I’m just a walking static factory. Everything I touch gets a charge. Or I get a charge from it. Or… something.

Even when it has been raining for at least 24 hours… I’m still the static queen. I KNOW it isn’t the “dry valley air”.

I’m just… that “body electric” part of “I sing the body electric”.

And I still got no action forthcoming.

Nope.

That being said… I want.

No, not THAT… (I mean, I DO want that, but… I can’t… that is, you see… meh. It’s complicated. ANYway…)

What I’m referring to is this:

You Are Lacy Panties

You’re one seductive chica, but you’ve also got a ton of class. You are like a pinup girl, with timeless beauty and sexiness. Men are afraid to talk to you, knowing they’ll be addicted to your charm immediately. Only a true manly man, confident in himself, is your perfect match.

oooo. lacy.

You are Slinky Heels!

You’re an uptown, well put together woman But you’re not too uptight to enjoy a hot club You’re always the best dressed chick in the room And you’ll only settle for the best in men

That’s funny. No, it is.

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you’re annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they’re only human. And it’s humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

It still astounds me that people fail these.

Your Style is Sassy

Your date outfits are flirty and fun - and make guys smile Occasionally you’ll take a fashion risk, and it will pay off You’re up for flashing an inch or two of skin But your general rule is to leave most of your bod to the imagination

You Should be a Auburn Redhead

Sophisticated and intense, this hue would really accent your face.

Funny, that…

Men See You As: A Difficult Challenge

You must be an incredible hottie… Because it’s the only way you can pull of the ice queen act You’re the type of woman that men love to chase But if you don’t stop running, you’ll never get caught!

Nah. My standards are just too damned high.

You Are 27% Fake

The real you is something you embrace and don’t mind enhancing. You know that a few beauty secrets aren’t a big deal, as long as you look good.

Truth in advertising. I despise the superficial.

Your Vibe Is Somewhat Sexy

On a good day, you’re the sexiest woman in the world But on a bad day, you can’t help but feel a little average Try to remember the times you’ve felt the sexiest… And keep that attitude even on the worst of days

You Are an Alpha Female

Powerful, confident, and successful - you are definitely a dominant force. You control social and dating situations. It’s clear that you’re always in charge.

Huh.

Guys Think You’re Easy to Be With… But Not Easy

You’re definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn’t make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

You’re a Part Time Maneater

While you’re not a black widow, you’ve definitely left a few guys feeling used and abused. You’re only out for fun, but sometimes you get a little carried away with your flirting. Cute guys tend to make you lose control. You really can’t help it! You’re a good girl at heart… you just can’t help but let your bad girl side out sometimes!

Ahhh…hahahahaha!

Your Passion is Red!

You’ve got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life … to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you’re always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you’re even wearing something red!

You Are Elektra

“You don’t know how I feel. I want revenge.”

You Have Not Been Ruined by American Culture

You’re nothing like the typical American. In fact, you may not be American at all. You have a broad view of the world, and you’re very well informed. And while you certainly have been influenced by American culture (who hasn’t?), it’s not your primary influence. You take a more global philosophy with your politics, taste, and life. And you’re always expanding and revising what you believe.

You Are 80% Real

You know who you are, and you’re pretty darn comfortable with yourself. Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren’t so great… But you’re good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults. As a result, you’re confident, optimistic, and very real.

You Are Blonde Highlights

Men see you as flexible and versatile - you fit in to every situation You’ve got the inner glow of a blonde, the intensity of a redhead… And the wisdom of a brunette.

You Are Definitely a Hot Chick

While your little black book isn’t as thick as Paris Hilton’s… You get the most dates of any girl you know It’s your whole five star package that attracts men - Your looks, your charm, and your ability tie a cherry with your tongue.

And they can tell all this in just SEVEN questions. yeah.

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Score: 80%

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence is High You have a great understanding of who you are, and your place in the world. You know what path you’re on. And you are excited about your future. You’re always deepening your inner knowledge and introspection. And enjoying it every step of the way.

You Are a Classic Beauty!

You have a timeless beauty that looks great in every decade Instead following trends, you stick to what works And this means you never skimp on your beauty routine Upside? Your classic looks tends to attract gentlemen - not boys.

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky You aren’t looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter It may take men a while to ask you out, but it’s worth the wait

You Are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak You’re a famous beauty - with unique look And the people like you are cultish about it

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Carmen Electra

You Are Destined to Rule the World

You have the makings of a very evil dictator… Which is both kind of cool and kind of scary! Will you rule the world? Maybe. Maybe not. But at least you know that you could.

Your Mind is PG-13 Rated

Your mind is definitely a little dirty. You’re naughty, but not trashy. You don’t shy away from a dirty joke, and you’re clearly not a prude.

You Are 52% Nerdy

You may be a bit surprised with this score, but your more of a closet nerd than an actual nerd. Stop denying your inner nerd! You’re truly dorkier than you think.

No… I’m just dorky.

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you’ve created a world that is all your own. It’s very likely that you’ve either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy. You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society. You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

Your EQ is 140

You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. You are warm and open. Even when life gets you down, you’re unafraid of the world and its challenges. You are comfortable with who you are. And you accept your weaknesses - as well as the weaknesses of others. While you are quite stable, you don’t respond perfectly to every bad situation that comes up. But you have enough emotional intelligence to know when you need a course correction.

You Are 76% Lady

Overall, you are a refined lady with excellent manners. But you also know when to relax and not get too serious about etiquette

Exotic Dancer Name Is…

Juicy

Don’t ya just love how easy it is to pigeonhole yourself these days, just by answering a few inane questions?

What Joy Unconfined Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. That’s not what HE said.You are a natural leader, and people respect you. This has not been my overall experience. You never give up, and you will succeed… even if it takes you a hundred tries. This is because I cling like a fucking wolverine even when my prey’s flesh is decaying beneath me. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. Not always. But often. If given time for thought. You are great at giving other people advice. Most of the time. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. mmkay. You are solid and dependable. Not over this last year, I haven’t been. You are loyal, and people can count on you. Yeah. Unfailingly loyal. At times, you can be a bit too serious. Naw. Ya think?You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. Somebody has to. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. Spent too many years fenced. Let Joy be Unconfined, can I get an amen? You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.Nonsense. You may miss out by not settling down, but you’re too busy having fun to care. No, I’ll miss out by settling down… which I did for waaaay too long. You are a very lucky person. Um. No.Things just always seem to go your way.Riiiight… And because you’re so lucky, you don’t really have a lot of worries. Who writes these things?You just hope for the best in life.No, I prepare for the worst, and when the best happens I’m very pleased. You’re sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Sometimes? Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.This I do. You are very intuitive and wise. Been told that since I was very young. You understand the world better than most people. I wouldn’t go that far. You also have a very active imagination. Don’t we all? How boring life would be without imagination.You often get carried away with your thoughts.It’s hard to stop them once they get going. Out of control train thing. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. I’m not good at signals. I don’t give the appropriate ones, and I’m terrible at noticing the ones I’m receiving, let alone interpreting them correctly. You are very open. WRONG!You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.I communicate well only in a written medium. As for connecting with others… I connect with those that bother to connect with me. You are a naturally creative person. Sometimes.Ideas just flow from your mind. I call it “Brain Vomit”. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. Hmm. I might be. I might not. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. Loving and compassionate??? I just snorted water out my nose. Ruled by my feelings? Not anymore. You are able to be a foundation for other people… but you still know how to have fun. I’m only a foundation for ONE person alive. Everyone else can go hang. It’s time for someone to be a foundation for me, thanks. And because of this, yeah, I am having more fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. Generally. More this year. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. LOL!!!!It’s easy to get you excited… which can be a good or bad thing. Actually, it’s very difficult to get me excited. In any arena. Sometimes nigh impossible. And that is usually a VERY bad thing. For me. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don’t stick with any one thing for very long. Didn’t this thing already say I’m dependable and… whatever? Contradictory, neh? You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. Only if they’re boring. The interesting ones get handled. It’s all about keeping me focused and interested, that’s all. You are friendly, charming, and warm. I can be.You get along with almost everyone. True enough, even if I find a person vapid, shallow, and a waste of time, I’m at least polite. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. Why rock the boat? Unless, of course, it gets me something I want or need, otherwise, leave well enough alone. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. Again with the contradictory statements. I’m either dependable or not? Which is it? NOW who’s flaky and irresponsible? You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. I LIKE them that way, but they are very rarely in order. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. I know what I know, and don’t pretend at what I don’t. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. It’s an inherited trait.You definitely have a dominant personality. Erm… teehee.

Clearly these things are cobbled together worse than the majority of horoscopes. Randomly string together vague personality traits that EVERYone exhibits at one time or another so the reader will identify with them and thoughtfully say, “Why, yes, I do that…” Then throw in a few mildly negative traits to make it look ‘realistic’. And presto… you have a completely average personality profile that could apply to anybody reading it. All supposedly based upon the name you gave them. Silliness.

Cover:

To My Valentine

Inside:

Please Be My Valentine

Another hand made valentine greeting. Note the penmanship. Writing, the physical act, not just the literary part of it, was truly an art form back then.

On the back:
To Doris Y.
Inside it’s signed Doris, and I can’t tell if that’s an ‘I’, or a ‘P’. I’m thinking it’s a ‘P’.