It has this weird tendency to just… go on. The train keeps speeding down the track whether I’m paying attention to what’s happening outside the window or not.

A while back, I can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment, I decided I would start being more present during the ride. You know, rather than just make sure my bags were stored properly and my ticket was accounted for, I would start paying attention not just to the destination, but to all the sights and sounds, impressions, and feelings of the journey. Where would I be at any given moment?

Doing this, however, I have seen and felt many things I would probably rather have missed. That’s the price you pay for living fully. Or, at least, TRYING to live fully.

Even so, sometimes I still turn away from what’s flying past me. I think it’s self-preservation. Duck! (quack) Things are flying at me too quickly! It’s scary! It’s new! It’s different! It’s… not-what-I-was-planning or not-what-I-wanted or not-what-I-was-expecting!

The thing is… even if I’m not looking, it’s still happening. I might as well look, pay attention, and learn to deal with it.

Still working on that. Golly, that’s uncomfortable.

It’s nice to know, though, that the world is peopled with individuals just trying to get by in the way that I am. It’s even nicer to see examples of people who are determined to overcome.

I recently learned of the personal struggles of someone I do not know, but have admired from afar, who I thought was perfect, had it all together, had the perfect life, the perfect situation. But I’ll be damned if life didn’t go speeding along and take HER to a destination she certainly wasn’t planning. I take no pleasure in knowing that it did. I do take pleasure in the fact that she IS as cool as I thought she was and more. She’s even stronger, more determined, and through all this, more human to me.

I guess it’s just from seeing that despite the fact that everything seemed to crumble around her, there she still remained. Still upright. Still the same person. Still possessing the same talents, abilities, intelligence, strength… all the assets that got her where she was before.

I shouldn’t be surprised at all. I’m not really. Great people remain great, and when things go wrong, they just rebuild around themselves. But it IS a lesson to me. No matter what happens, or HAS happened, I’m still who I am. I haven’t changed.

I’m still strong-willed. I’m still intelligent. I still have the same wry sense of humor. I’m still Joy, no matter where I am on the journey.

Something pertinent to where I’ve been, where I am, where I’m going:

So, life is going on… and on… and on…

I know where I want to go. I don’t know if I can get there, because I’m not driving. Every time I try to drive I get slapped. Hard.

So I’ve quit trying to drive.

Some would say that’s not a good idea. It might not be. I just can’t do anything else. I can’t get off the ride. I’ve tried. Jumping from the car while it’s in motion is also not a good idea.

So… I don’t know my final destination. I do know that when I get there I will be Joy… Joy as she is now, Joy as she was, and Joy as she should be. I’ll know where I’ve been. I’ll know how I arrived. I’ll know what happened along the way.

That’s something, right? I still have me.