Supposedly this is the Year of Self-Redefinition. So says the sage who predicts the theme of the year at precisely 12:01 am New Year’s Day. (I don’t know about this guy… I’m still a little pissed about the prediction for 2007. It turned out to be ALL too true. The Year of Letting Go was the all-time worst year of my life.)
Here we are, half through this Year of Self-Redefinition, and I’m still not… well, anything. Really.
Granted, I am more and more certain of who I am NOT. I suppose that should be at least a little helpful. Still, who and what I am, and where I’m going, not to mention where I am now? Clueless.
For example, I know that the thing that I have been spending all this time going to classes to learn, while still interesting to me, is NOT the thing I wish to do several hours a day for the rest of my natural life. (Which is how long I’ll have to work, given that I’ve managed to get such a late start on the whole “planning for the future” process.)
Ok, so I know what I do NOT want to do. And I will hopefully soon have a piece of paper that says I learned a bunch of things toward being able to do what I don’t want to do.
Hm. So what do I want to do? What do I know how to do? What AM I going to do? I need to figure that out, or soon I will be doing whatever it is while living in my car.
I’d rather not redefine in that way.
In other ways, I can’t help but be clearly redefined, but I didn’t actually manage that all by myself. I am no longer defined as a married woman. I am now a divorced woman. I have to say, I really don’t care for that distinction. (Then again, I wasn’t really all that fired up about the distinction of being a “married woman” either.) Not that there’s anything inherently WRONG with being a divorced woman. Except… personally. It is a personal failure. No matter how I look at it, that’s all I can see. Failure to understand, or put up with things that drove me nuts. Failure to be able to conform into person I was expected to be. Failure to look ahead and see how I would grow and he would grow and how that growing wasn’t in the same direction. Failure to realize that the life I wanted and needed isn’t the one he wanted and needed. Failure. My failure. His failure? Our failure.
Was it a mistake?
How could I possibly think it was a mistake? There were so many good years. We produced such an amazing kid.
I’m still left wondering why we could have failed one another so horribly.
Then there’s the OTHER one. I was certain of that, too. I knew, without doubt, without a question anywhere in my soul that I was loved by someone who truly cared for, understood, and desired me. What is funny… or tragic… or comically tragic… is I reached that conclusion, I truly trusted and believed, completely, finally, deliriously happily, and within 2 weeks of that internal capitulation to what I had been told and pressed to believe… I was abandoned so completely, so cruelly, so callously, that even I – the person who abhors the very idea of taking one’s own life – considered that very final, very silly, alternative to continuing to live a life enduring an unending betrayal, living on without the one perfect match to my temperament, personality, and desires.
Can I view THAT affair of the heart as a mistake?
I have learned so much about myself that I might never have known. I have experienced and understood things that might never have even crossed my mind. It’s true that I can’t help but wonder if I might not have been better off remaining unaware and oblivious. Knowing something is possible, and knowing I will never find its like again is far worse than naivety.
But it has certainly caused some redefinition. I’m no longer sure of myself and my decisions. I don’t know that the things of which I am SO certain, of which I have such conviction and faith, are really true, or real, or good, or right. I just can’t know anymore. I don’t know that the wonder of a moment, or a span of time, or the giving in to a feeling is worth the emptiness once it is gone. And I certainly no longer believe that anything lasts. I used to believe that was possible. Now I know that nothing EVER lasts, no matter how much another person promises to “make it work”. They never are up to the task, no matter how much I give up to please them.
How and where did I fail when I gave everything, every part of my heart, mind, body and soul? Does that really mean that I am JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH? And honestly… HOW could anyone deliberately fail ME? That’s just an insane thing to think about. I deserve, at least, the ATTEMPT at not failing. Yet, there it is, right in front of my nose, someone deliberately CHOSE to fail me. It’s one thing if it’s inadvertant inability, it’s quite another to choose to fail.
Chalk it up to my more than healthy ego. (And blame it on my astrological sign if you must.) I know what I’m worth, and I know what I deserve, and nothing and no one will ever convince me otherwise. I’m much more forgiving of the person who tries and fails than I am of the person who fails without even making an effort.
I’m not really thrilled with the idea of my Year of Self-Redefinition meaning that I’m now someone so unsure of anything that I’m perpetually undecided, cynical and disbelieving.
But it does sort of look that way.
I don’t WANT to be that chick. I just AM that chick. My choices and the (in my opinion, BAD) choices of others have brought me to where I am now.
Oh… but Joy, dear, don’t give up hope.
You know that expression “hope floats”?
My retort: “So does pond scum.”
I don’t need hope. I need good results. I need what is real, and true, and good, and loving, and right, and caring. I need to see proof.
I don’t need words, or platitudes, condescending and patronizing placation.
Those things don’t make me safe. They don’t keep me warm at night. They don’t feed my belly OR my soul.
Hope doesn’t catch me when I fall. It disappoints me when I hit the ground.
Hope is about as useful as regret. (Something I also make it a point to avoid.)
I want truth. I want reality. Say what you mean, and what you know you’ll mean in two weeks, or two months, or two years. Don’t say what you think you might mean but is open to interpretation and redefinition. Don’t say what you think I should hear, or what will further your interests. If you don’t truly mean it, forever, keep your mouth shut.
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
I deal in absolutes.
Hope has no place here.
I’m certainly not going to give you any hope.
I will tell you what I think, what I feel, and what I intend. I expect the same from everyone else in my life.
So… this Year of Self-Redefinition. I’m not sure if I’m redefining, or just returning to who I was years ago. For too long I’ve thrown caution to the wind and allowed myself to believe in the professed intentions of others. And I have been repeatedly disappointed.
Maybe I AM insane. After all, I’ve been trying the same thing, over and over, hoping for different results, and I’m still always hurt and surprised when I get the same old disappointment.
So maybe that’s my self-redefinition. I’m a high-functioning nut job.
May 16th, 2008 - 12:15 pm
I’ll agree with the nut job dealie.
Hope is nothing without action to back it up.
period end of story.
I’m never going to stop telling you how great you are, as a woman, a mother and a friend.
The rest of it will come around- maybe a bit too slow for your personal tastes, but you have one hell of a base built, and that is what counts.
/end smooshy crap.
May 16th, 2008 - 2:18 pm
Been where you were at thinking you were a failure. Got well and stepped right back into the relationship mess. The person who pulled my ass out of the mess in the first place pushed me right back into it. Now I sit right back where I started. But I will do it again. Now that is insanity. Never give up or throw in the towel. You never know from who or what direction the nnext big thing will ccome along.
May 16th, 2008 - 3:13 pm
somewhere some time it happened that someone accepted themselves as they are at that moment.
it sometimes happens that people accept people for who they are unconditionally.
hugs
May 16th, 2008 - 3:23 pm
I’ve not known you for a LONG time, but I feel I’ve come to know you fairly well. I don’t see you as a person making the same decisions over and over again, and thinking that it is a new decision! I see you struggling and surviving and making new decisions. And figuring out what and where and how you want your new world to be.
And, since you don’t want any accolades, I won’t give them to you. But I am thinking them.
May 16th, 2008 - 3:25 pm
oh, and by the way -
I agree with you on “the next big thing” crap. I know I couldn’t survive it either.
May 16th, 2008 - 7:25 pm
That is a problem you have “boys” around. Most “boys” are clueless and weak and have no idea what they want. You will survive, people are stronger than they think. Do not ever close yourself off. Easy to say, hard to do. Again been there done that twice now. You say you are insane and an insane person would try till they get it right so there may be oh god that word HOPE for you.
May 16th, 2008 - 7:26 pm
Oh by the way the hope floats and pond scum floats comment are great.
May 18th, 2008 - 8:51 am
For a high-functioning nut job… (and as much as you choose not to acknowledge it) you are really doing wonderful things. I happen to KNOW there is forward motion in your forward actions… with starts and stops perhaps… but forward it is.
Believe me I know what a challenge it is to move forward… to shed the historical… but recognizing it is all part and parcel of the process. There are no short-cuts… no instant fixes… but I can assure you that the process of recognizing the past and who we were and what we did (or didn’t do) does provide us with the resources to create anew. And sometimes when we are creating anew it does become confusing and we jump back into the ditch of our past… because (as the Russian aesthetic would dictate) there is comfort in our misery.
You have opened up more so than you did… that’s new. You have dabbled in what you didn’t before… that’s new. Your world is wider for the view… that’s new. The ditch has become shallower because of your recent adventures and the landscape above the rim is wide. Now the challenge is to choose. And by choosing… honestly and simply you will redefine.
May 18th, 2008 - 3:49 pm
Joy, I am not good at giving any advice on these things, and most advice concerning life and love doesn’t help anyway, doesn’t it? At least that’s my experience, because every person has to make her/his own mistakes and pull themselves out of it.
Let me just say that you are not alone in feeling lost sometimes, and frustrated about the detours you have taken.
You are a very beautiful and talented and have a very big heart, and most importantly, seems to have found a way to stand up and be strong after the blows that life deals sometimes. I think the winners are not the ones with the straight-line biographies (too afraid to stop and think about what life is about), but those that stand up after past failures and try to move on.
Thank you so much for everything you have done last week, showing me around Fresno and helping LS. Listening to you sing on Wednesday was very special.
If you follow the link, you can see the picture I took of you that I was telling you about: http://photos.cosimaunderwater.com/images/A_4/6/5/1/1564/IMG_3394_fcbcd.JPG You can download it to your computer by right-clicking and saving it. The other pictures will follow during the next few days.
May 19th, 2008 - 11:43 am
I love you honey! Screw hope and expectations… without risking failure there cannot be great accomplishments… heh, I’m one to talk… black, kettle huh?
You are amazing and I love you to death! I think you have come SO far and your redefinition doesn’t have to be traumatic, maybe it’s just a re-balancing and finding peace.
HUGS!
September 10th, 2009 - 7:40 am
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.