Joy Unconfined

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

And I feel fine.

So… How was the Year of Self-Redefinition?

I’m not sure. I’ve certainly learned new things.

My foray this year into burlesque performance has been mind-expanding, self-affirming, and generally good for me. My body isn’t perfect, or anywhere NEAR what I want it to be, but I can like and appreciate it the way it is now while I continue to strive to get closer to the ideal I want.

I’ve learned that I LOVE encouraging other women to learn to love themselves and their bodies as they are, discover their inner personalities and let them shine, and generally have a good time. It’s just as rewarding to watch THEM get up and break out of their inhibitions and uncertainty to applause and cheers, as it is to do it myself. Sometimes it’s even better. I don’t think I’ve felt any more glee than I’ve had watching beautiful women get up on a stage and strut like the gorgeous creatures they are, smiles blazing so bright as to blind the audience. Knowing that I helped and encouraged them to get there is humbling, because they have always had that within, and just a small push from me and my teaching partner, they’ve discovered it. I didn’t cause it, I didn’t create it, I just helped provide the safety to embrace it. Every single one of the ladies we’ve worked with have taught me something that has made ME better. They have made ME realize something important that I can apply in my own life.

I have learned a greater appreciation for the roles people play in my life, for the things they provide to me, and for the opportunities they give me to have a role in their lives.

I also understand even better what I accept, what I do not accept, and what I know I deserve.

I know that I would rather withdraw entirely than settle for less than what I absolutely deserve. I have learned that I can adapt rather easily to a life of spartan self-denial. I know that I would rather not. But it’s not unbearable. It’s just not preferred.

I’ll take death before dishonor.

I know that I’m not a dupe. (I instinctively knew this, but recently became more completely aware.) I know that I am a moral person. I know that I am an honorable person. But these aren’t redefinitions. It’s more about renewing who I’ve always been, and not apologizing for it.

I am what I am. I can be nothing less. I’m learning to accept who I am. Once I do that I won’t worry whether others are accepting me. I like me. I always have. Now I accept that it’s ok to like me.

I have no concrete redefinition of myself here at the end of this year. I have, however, definitely lived the process of redefinition throughout the year, and I don’t think it will ever stop.

Whatever 2009 has in store for me, I will survive. (Maybe it will be the Year of Survival.) I may not always like it. I may have moments that are wonderful. Whatever happens, I will live through it.

Life goes on. I know what I want in it. If I don’t get what I want, I’ll continue to breathe anyway, and try to find reasons to live in the small things.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 at 2:49 pm and is filed under miscellanea. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.