If you want to see what I was like when I wrote my innermost feelings on the intarweb, check out my archives! Over there, in that column marked “archives”. See… I’ve imported all the posts from my two old blogs.

And I don’t even think there are any duplicates.

But if there are, live with it. I’m not cleaning it up.

Still, you can see how insane the me of a few years ago was compared to the insanity of today.

Have fun.

So… today my Facebook status said “Joy is wondering how the bills are going to get paid, and coming up with nothing so far…”

Later, I received a surprise IM from a friend I haven’t talked with in a LONG while. Here’s the ensuing conversation. I miss Dan.

2:36pmDan
With money!

2:36pmJoy
k! and where do I get this obscure thing called “money”…?

2:36pmDan
people have it. also, banks.

2:37pmJoy
How can I get this substance from these people.

2:37pmDan
Threaten them with something they fear.
Like bees.

2:37pmJoy
I have no bees.

2:37pmDan
:(

2:37pmJoy
I know. I ran out.

2:37pmDan
Damn it.

2:38pmJoy
No scorpions, either.

2:38pmDan
Earwigs?

2:38pmJoy
I have dust bunnies, but people don’t really fear those…
Earwigs don’t really inspire much fear.

2:38pmDan
They do if you threaten to make them lay eggs in the person’s ear!

2:38pmJoy
Yes, but the execution of the threat, if they don’t cave, is problematic.

2:39pmDan
*I’d* care if some bug was going to lay eggs in my ear.

2:39pmJoy
Of course you would, as would I, but some people don’t always grasp the finer points of threats like these.
As well, I make the threat, they don’t respond appropriately, then I have to figure out how to convince an earwig to go INTO an ear, and THEN to lay eggs there…
And if you were an earwig… aside from your name associating you with ears, would you REALLY have a fondness for ears?

2:40pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.

2:41pmJoy
There again… execution would become problematic.
How does one make someone exercise. I can’t even make myself do this thing.

2:41pmDan
Hm, good point.
I know mormons fear nudity. Do you know any mormons?

2:42pmJoy
I AM mormon. However, I do not fear nudity.

2:42pmDan
And I guess even if you did, you couldn’t pay yourself since you don’t have any money to give.

2:42pmJoy
This is logical.

2:44pmDan
I suppose you could just build some sort of doomsday machine.
Like a device that turns everything purple.

2:44pmJoy
I am not scientifically inclined, though I do like this idea.

2:45pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.

….

2:45pmJoy
erm…

2:45pmDan
My exercise message just repeated itself.
Without my hands even being on the keyboard.

2:45pmJoy
do you think it’s a sign of some sort?

2:45pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.

Maybe my future self found a way to go back in time and type it so that it would appear again just now.

2:47pmJoy
ok.

2:49pmDan
Damn right it’s okay.

2:49pmJoy
ok.

2:49pmDan
Yes.

2:50pmJoy
Sorry, my mind is still on this elusive “money” concept.

2:50pmDan
You could always find something that people want, and offer to exchange it to them for money.
Like their cars.

2:51pmJoy
I believe there is a legal issue there.

2:51pmDan
Well, you don’t TELL them it’s their car.
It’s just “A” car that happens to resemble their car. A lot.

2:52pmJoy
What do you tell them that makes them want to have it. er… have it BACK…
But then they’ll say… “No thanks. I’ve already GOT one.”

2:52pmDan
That’s when you point to their empty driveway, and tell them that some hooligan must have absconded with it while their attention was diverted elsewhere.

2:53pmJoy
This plan seems quite possible, but there’s this niggling doubt that it will backfire somehow…

2:54pmDan
I don’t see how. I mean, you could even put a sign on their car that says “not your car” or something.
I think most people would fall for that simple ruse.

2:54pmJoy
Really. Most people? Really?

2:54pmDan
Absolutely.
I’ve come to the general conclusion that people aren’t very bright.

2:55pmJoy
In this, I must agree.

Dan… I have a project for you.

2:55pmDan
It better not require nudity.

2:56pmJoy
Well, it doesn’t have to be YOUR nudity…

2:56pmDan
Oh, well okay then. What is the nature of your proposal?

2:57pmJoy
This… this conversation we’ve had… You must film it. Using actors.
Or yourself.
And some other people.
But yes… film it… and there shall be no dialogue. Only the sound of typing, and the text of this conversation scrolling at the bottom of the frame.
Then you will put in on the YouTube.
From the YouTube it will grow in popularity, and money will be made from it. Large sums of money.
From this… you will give me one quarter of proceeds.
Then we will both have… this… elusive… “money” thing.

2:58pmDan
I’m not sure if people will go for it if my actors are all naked. As I mentioned before, people fear nudity.

2:59pmJoy
The only part where they will be naked is the part where you MENTION nudity… and you show someone being threatened with nudity… then the threat being carried out…
and humorous nudity is ALWAYS more acceptable, even to the masses.

3:02pmDan
I think filming the bee threat would be even more amusing. Do you know whether or not bees have acting guilds?

3:02pmJoy
I do not know this. I’ve always worked with individual bees. I think they have sort of a hive mind thing, so one might consider that a guild.

3:04pmDan
I will ponder this. In the meantime, I should probably go and stand in a torrent of free falling warm water, while slathering myself with soap.
It’s a ritual I enjoy sometimes.

3:05pmJoy
Funny, I have the same ritual, which I must also perform shortly.

3:05pmDan
Does yours also involve pancake syrup?

3:06pmJoy
No… no pancake syrup. Just sweet smelling frothing cleaning substances.

3:06pmDan
Oh er… mine neither. I was just making sure.

3:06pmJoy
Happy Warm Torrent Ritual-ing to you.

3:07pmDan
Anyways! Good luck inspiring fear in people for money! I’ll expect a full report of your activities on my desk on Monday.

3:07pmJoy
Yes. OF course.