Later, I received a surprise IM from a friend I haven’t talked with in a LONG while. Here’s the ensuing conversation. I miss Dan.

2:36pmDan
With money!

2:36pmJoy
k! and where do I get this obscure thing called “money”…?

2:36pmDan
people have it. also, banks.

2:37pmJoy
How can I get this substance from these people.

2:37pmDan
Threaten them with something they fear.
Like bees.

2:37pmJoy
I have no bees.

2:37pmDan
:(

2:37pmJoy
I know. I ran out.

2:37pmDan
Damn it.

2:38pmJoy
No scorpions, either.

2:38pmDan
Earwigs?

2:38pmJoy
I have dust bunnies, but people don’t really fear those…
Earwigs don’t really inspire much fear.

2:38pmDan
They do if you threaten to make them lay eggs in the person’s ear!

2:38pmJoy
Yes, but the execution of the threat, if they don’t cave, is problematic.

2:39pmDan
*I’d* care if some bug was going to lay eggs in my ear.

2:39pmJoy
Of course you would, as would I, but some people don’t always grasp the finer points of threats like these.
As well, I make the threat, they don’t respond appropriately, then I have to figure out how to convince an earwig to go INTO an ear, and THEN to lay eggs there…
And if you were an earwig… aside from your name associating you with ears, would you REALLY have a fondness for ears?

2:40pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.

2:41pmJoy
There again… execution would become problematic.
How does one make someone exercise. I can’t even make myself do this thing.

2:41pmDan
Hm, good point.
I know mormons fear nudity. Do you know any mormons?

2:42pmJoy
I AM mormon. However, I do not fear nudity.

2:42pmDan
And I guess even if you did, you couldn’t pay yourself since you don’t have any money to give.

2:42pmJoy
This is logical.

2:44pmDan
I suppose you could just build some sort of doomsday machine.
Like a device that turns everything purple.

2:44pmJoy
I am not scientifically inclined, though I do like this idea.

2:45pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.

….

2:45pmJoy
erm…

2:45pmDan
My exercise message just repeated itself.
Without my hands even being on the keyboard.

2:45pmJoy
do you think it’s a sign of some sort?

2:45pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.

Maybe my future self found a way to go back in time and type it so that it would appear again just now.

2:47pmJoy
ok.

2:49pmDan
Damn right it’s okay.

2:49pmJoy
ok.

2:49pmDan
Yes.

2:50pmJoy
Sorry, my mind is still on this elusive “money” concept.

2:50pmDan
You could always find something that people want, and offer to exchange it to them for money.
Like their cars.

2:51pmJoy
I believe there is a legal issue there.

2:51pmDan
Well, you don’t TELL them it’s their car.
It’s just “A” car that happens to resemble their car. A lot.

2:52pmJoy
What do you tell them that makes them want to have it. er… have it BACK…
But then they’ll say… “No thanks. I’ve already GOT one.”

2:52pmDan
That’s when you point to their empty driveway, and tell them that some hooligan must have absconded with it while their attention was diverted elsewhere.

2:53pmJoy
This plan seems quite possible, but there’s this niggling doubt that it will backfire somehow…

2:54pmDan
I don’t see how. I mean, you could even put a sign on their car that says “not your car” or something.
I think most people would fall for that simple ruse.

2:54pmJoy
Really. Most people? Really?

2:54pmDan
Absolutely.
I’ve come to the general conclusion that people aren’t very bright.

2:55pmJoy
In this, I must agree.

Dan… I have a project for you.

2:55pmDan
It better not require nudity.

2:56pmJoy
Well, it doesn’t have to be YOUR nudity…

2:56pmDan
Oh, well okay then. What is the nature of your proposal?

2:57pmJoy
This… this conversation we’ve had… You must film it. Using actors.
Or yourself.
And some other people.
But yes… film it… and there shall be no dialogue. Only the sound of typing, and the text of this conversation scrolling at the bottom of the frame.
Then you will put in on the YouTube.
From the YouTube it will grow in popularity, and money will be made from it. Large sums of money.
From this… you will give me one quarter of proceeds.
Then we will both have… this… elusive… “money” thing.

2:58pmDan
I’m not sure if people will go for it if my actors are all naked. As I mentioned before, people fear nudity.

2:59pmJoy
The only part where they will be naked is the part where you MENTION nudity… and you show someone being threatened with nudity… then the threat being carried out…
and humorous nudity is ALWAYS more acceptable, even to the masses.

3:02pmDan
I think filming the bee threat would be even more amusing. Do you know whether or not bees have acting guilds?

3:02pmJoy
I do not know this. I’ve always worked with individual bees. I think they have sort of a hive mind thing, so one might consider that a guild.

3:04pmDan
I will ponder this. In the meantime, I should probably go and stand in a torrent of free falling warm water, while slathering myself with soap.
It’s a ritual I enjoy sometimes.

3:05pmJoy
Funny, I have the same ritual, which I must also perform shortly.

3:05pmDan
Does yours also involve pancake syrup?

3:06pmJoy
No… no pancake syrup. Just sweet smelling frothing cleaning substances.

3:06pmDan
Oh er… mine neither. I was just making sure.

3:06pmJoy
Happy Warm Torrent Ritual-ing to you.

3:07pmDan
Anyways! Good luck inspiring fear in people for money! I’ll expect a full report of your activities on my desk on Monday.

3:07pmJoy
Yes. OF course.

No. Not this kind. Thanks. Already got this kind.

So, not only am I unemployed and apparently unemployable, even by temp agencies…

Now, apparently, my old, ugly, decidedly uninteresting car is worthy of breaking into.

6 a.m.

My doorbell is buzzing.

It’s my nice neighbor come to tell me she found the back passenger seat window of my car has been smashed.

I walk out to see why someone would do this thing.

Apparently because some moron needs to rummage through the trash on the front passenger floor, throw it in the back seat, and go through the glove box.

No, idiot criminals of Fresno, I do NOT keep valuables in my car. No, idiot criminals of Fresno, I do not HAVE valuables. I am probably WAY more broke than you are.

And now, thanks to you, I have to figure out how I can cover the deductible for the insurance on my aging car so I can repair the window that you destroyed; a window you destroyed to get NOTHING.

Hm… unless you got into my trunk and fucked around. Not that there’s anything worth having there, either, but hey… maybe you really wanted that case of drinho soymilk that I’ve been too lazy to carry upstairs for a week or two.

I’ll go check on that.

GDMFSOBPOSAHRB petty criminals!

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your nether regions.

Jesus, I’m pissed. Why MY car? You can’t tell the car of a person who has nothing at all?

So, now I have no life… no love… no job… no money… debt piled up so high I can’t see past it… no relief in sight… and now I have unwanted primitive air conditioning in my car.

I have no idea how I’m going to pay to get this fixed. NO fucking clue.

At least the day can’t get any worse, right?

Update – 9:50 a.m. Ok, so my insurance deductible for this is less than what a new window would cost, but I don’t even have that. So… if you feel sorry for me, click this and give me a dollar…

And if you’re in Fresno, the lovely, gorgeous, wonderful, very kind friend Solitaire, has set up a “Save The Joy” effort… She’ll be tending bar at The Starline on Tuesday, August 12. Show up, buy drinks, tip her, and I get to pay for my car window! See how this works? I’ve volunteered to be her barback/slave for the evening, because I should work for my charity handouts… so we’ll see if that’s going to fly with the powers that be. If nothing else, I’ll be there, cheering her on in her bartending efforts. (And she’s just way cute anyway.) So… yeah.

I’m not proud. I can’t afford to be anymore. Give me a handout. I SWEAR I’ll be grateful and bless you for it.

Second edit 12:19pm Ok. Just in case anyone is wondering, no I do NOT spend my days sitting in front of the computer. I just happen to be doing that today because I’ve been doing job searches and job applications online. It is really surprising the amount of time this takes, especially when they require you re-enter ALL your resume info for EVERY single job for which you’re applying. Time consuming. Tedious. A little depressing. Can you BLAME me for watching the email and checking the comments that come through on my blog in between searches and applications?

Wish me luck, people. I just really, truly want to be in the position that little things like today don’t throw me off so drastically. If you know if anyone is hiring, send ‘em my way, or me theirs. Being gainfully employed would put a COMPLETELY different perspective on the events of my morning. It would just be another thing to take care of and get fixed rather than the choice between the phone bill, the food bill, the insurance payment, or the power bill.

I know it won’t last forever. I’m hoping it won’t last another day or so.

The GOOD news is, my shower is fixed, so it isn’t constantly running. Joe, the maintenance guy, was very nice, and I am grateful to him. See? The day’s getting better already. I can shower now. And be NOT smelly.

Onward!

41: The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment.

Robert M. Hutchins

Here name is Naomi Wolf. She’s written some books. Most recently, this one.

If you don’t have time for that… try her appearance on the Colbert Report.

Another long one…

“Watch list” anyone? I was a little shocked to find out some of the people that have been put on this list…

And she has respect for Ron Paul.

T-shirt featured as the image for this blog can be found here.