She is fond of ice cream, chocolate, cheese and many greasy foods.
She’s very pushy.
And I am fat because of her. Which feeds her.
So there are more grilled cheese sammiches.
And trips to the freezer for a few spoonfuls of french vanilla.
And I’m out of chocolate.
You see, I get these emails from “RealAge” these days. I once took one of those “How old is your body in relation to your chronological age?” tests. Supposedly the test has behind it all the expertise and knowledge of Drs. Oz and Roizen. (I think I spelled that properly…) I used to take those little questionnaires and come out with a “real” age of several years younger than I am. Now… I’m a few years older. I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the change in my answers about whether I am happily coupled, gainfully employed or have a reliable income, and the amount of stress in my life, since those are the ONLY things that have changed in the last five years.
Right, so since I took this test and found out I am fading, and fast, I’m now on a mailing list that sends me cheery, helpful, encouraging reminders of that very fact. I must eat certain foods to help slow down this nasty aging process. I must do certain exercises to strengthen my core muscles. (Ok, I’ll admit to that. I have the worst posture in the world which results in giving the appearance that I have 3 chins, and I may be chubby, but I’m not THAT chubby.) And I must walk. Daily. For at least 30 minutes.
So… as I sit here in the morning, gnawing on my grapefruit sweetened with stevia and munching a handful of walnuts, I am actually CONTEMPLATING this concept of walking. Just to walk. Because walking is good for me.
Of course, the recycled showgirl part of me still isn’t convinced, sitting here this morning after staggering into bed last night as the result of an evening of warbling, crooning, and belting out the old familiar tunes whilst being bought lovely drinks by very kind and dear audience members… some of which drinks were made by the NEW bartender who doesn’t realize that one should pour 1 part absinthe to at least 2 parts of cold water thereby turning me into a tunnel-vision afflicted, blathering moron…
Where was I? Oh yes… Sitting here in the face that results from NOT taking off the mascara before collapsing on my pillow, with the tousled hair that might make one think I had FAR more fun overnight than I did (damn it)… I am at war with myself. Responsible/health-conscious Joy and Irresponsible/overindulgent-showgirl Joy. I think…
Yes.
I think Irresponsible/overindulgent-showgirl Joy is going to insist on punishing the Responsible/health-conscious Joy for the affront to comfort and self-indulgence a walk will create by making her take that walk completely un-fixed-up. Tousled hair, bleary leftover face, and all. And since both of these entities are a part of the altogether vain and too self conscious Joy, we’re all going to be appalled.
mmhm.
Only I could possibly find a way to both proudly improve myself and punish myself all at the same time.
Now I must go walk.
As soon as I finish my grapefruit and handful of walnuts.
I’m lazy, and haven’t been in the mood to actually SAY anything for a long time. Also, sickness. I have been snorting, sniffling and coughing for weeks. I’m quite ready to be alllll done with that. Anyway, I’m not being particularly interesting or thoughtful lately. Instead, I cop out and post memery. Yes. Lame. But still, I get them from OTHER people who ostensibly want to SEE them, so…
Yup. I can justify anything to deflect blame for my own laziness.
Anyway…
If the family and friends who send me these things actually want to know my answers to this silliness, OR…maybe… just want to know what I have to say, they should come here. To my blog. Where I put stuff. That I write. For people to see. And I don’t have to send it all over the place. Everybody just comes here.
So there.
Six names you go by:
1. Joy
2. Joyful
3. Joyous (I know. Aren’t people clever and original?)
4. Toad
5. The Mama-Lama (as wise as the Dalai Lama. No. Really. Blame the podling.)
6. Joie de Vivre
Three things you are wearing right now
1. Boots
2. Warm cotton thigh high stockings
3. A turtleneck with short sleeves. Only in Fresno.
Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A permanent, full time job that pays enough
2. True contentment
Three People who will fill this out
1. I
2. don’t
3. care
Two things you did last night:
1. Dinner with friends I haven’t seen in a while
2. Went to bed early and slept for HOURS! YAY!
Two things you ate today:
1. Miso soup
2. Pumpkin seeds
Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Podling
2. Dad
Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. Sleeping IN!
2. Whatever I end up doing with the podling
Your favorite beverages
1. Water
2. ginger tea
Interactive bloggery!
Answer all these questions. Do it now! I’m curious who’s reading and who they really think I am.
Put your replies in a comment post, and NO FAIR reading other people’s replies before answering.
Where did we meet?
Take a stab at my middle name?
Do I speak a second language?
Am I a cat lover or dog lover?
Do I smoke?
Color of my eyes?
Do I have any siblings?
What’s one of my favorite things to do?
What’s my favorite type of music?
Am I taller than you?
Am I shy or outgoing?
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?
What is my birth month?
Am I Liberal? Moderate? or Conservative?
Have you ever heard me sing?
How many children do I have?
Have we taken photographs together?
When is the last time you saw me?
When will I see you again?
Have we ever had a falling out?
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I would bring?
Am I right handed or left handed?
What type of work do I do?
If you want to see what I was like when I wrote my innermost feelings on the intarweb, check out my archives! Over there, in that column marked “archives”. See… I’ve imported all the posts from my two old blogs.
And I don’t even think there are any duplicates.
But if there are, live with it. I’m not cleaning it up.
Still, you can see how insane the me of a few years ago was compared to the insanity of today.
Have fun.
So… today my Facebook status said “Joy is wondering how the bills are going to get paid, and coming up with nothing so far…”
Later, I received a surprise IM from a friend I haven’t talked with in a LONG while. Here’s the ensuing conversation. I miss Dan.
2:36pmDan
With money!
2:36pmJoy
k! and where do I get this obscure thing called “money”…?
2:36pmDan
people have it. also, banks.
2:37pmJoy
How can I get this substance from these people.
2:37pmDan
Threaten them with something they fear.
Like bees.
2:37pmJoy
I have no bees.
2:37pmDan
:(
2:37pmJoy
I know. I ran out.
2:37pmDan
Damn it.
2:38pmJoy
No scorpions, either.
2:38pmDan
Earwigs?
2:38pmJoy
I have dust bunnies, but people don’t really fear those…
Earwigs don’t really inspire much fear.
2:38pmDan
They do if you threaten to make them lay eggs in the person’s ear!
2:38pmJoy
Yes, but the execution of the threat, if they don’t cave, is problematic.
2:39pmDan
*I’d* care if some bug was going to lay eggs in my ear.
2:39pmJoy
Of course you would, as would I, but some people don’t always grasp the finer points of threats like these.
As well, I make the threat, they don’t respond appropriately, then I have to figure out how to convince an earwig to go INTO an ear, and THEN to lay eggs there…
And if you were an earwig… aside from your name associating you with ears, would you REALLY have a fondness for ears?
2:40pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.
2:41pmJoy
There again… execution would become problematic.
How does one make someone exercise. I can’t even make myself do this thing.
2:41pmDan
Hm, good point.
I know mormons fear nudity. Do you know any mormons?
2:42pmJoy
I AM mormon. However, I do not fear nudity.
2:42pmDan
And I guess even if you did, you couldn’t pay yourself since you don’t have any money to give.
2:42pmJoy
This is logical.
2:44pmDan
I suppose you could just build some sort of doomsday machine.
Like a device that turns everything purple.
2:44pmJoy
I am not scientifically inclined, though I do like this idea.
2:45pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.
….
2:45pmJoy
erm…
2:45pmDan
My exercise message just repeated itself.
Without my hands even being on the keyboard.
2:45pmJoy
do you think it’s a sign of some sort?
2:45pmDan
What about exercise? A lot of people fear exercise.
Maybe my future self found a way to go back in time and type it so that it would appear again just now.
2:47pmJoy
ok.
2:49pmDan
Damn right it’s okay.
2:49pmJoy
ok.
2:49pmDan
Yes.
2:50pmJoy
Sorry, my mind is still on this elusive “money” concept.
2:50pmDan
You could always find something that people want, and offer to exchange it to them for money.
Like their cars.
2:51pmJoy
I believe there is a legal issue there.
2:51pmDan
Well, you don’t TELL them it’s their car.
It’s just “A” car that happens to resemble their car. A lot.
2:52pmJoy
What do you tell them that makes them want to have it. er… have it BACK…
But then they’ll say… “No thanks. I’ve already GOT one.”
2:52pmDan
That’s when you point to their empty driveway, and tell them that some hooligan must have absconded with it while their attention was diverted elsewhere.
2:53pmJoy
This plan seems quite possible, but there’s this niggling doubt that it will backfire somehow…
2:54pmDan
I don’t see how. I mean, you could even put a sign on their car that says “not your car” or something.
I think most people would fall for that simple ruse.
2:54pmJoy
Really. Most people? Really?
2:54pmDan
Absolutely.
I’ve come to the general conclusion that people aren’t very bright.
2:55pmJoy
In this, I must agree.
Dan… I have a project for you.
2:55pmDan
It better not require nudity.
2:56pmJoy
Well, it doesn’t have to be YOUR nudity…
2:56pmDan
Oh, well okay then. What is the nature of your proposal?
2:57pmJoy
This… this conversation we’ve had… You must film it. Using actors.
Or yourself.
And some other people.
But yes… film it… and there shall be no dialogue. Only the sound of typing, and the text of this conversation scrolling at the bottom of the frame.
Then you will put in on the YouTube.
From the YouTube it will grow in popularity, and money will be made from it. Large sums of money.
From this… you will give me one quarter of proceeds.
Then we will both have… this… elusive… “money” thing.
2:58pmDan
I’m not sure if people will go for it if my actors are all naked. As I mentioned before, people fear nudity.
2:59pmJoy
The only part where they will be naked is the part where you MENTION nudity… and you show someone being threatened with nudity… then the threat being carried out…
and humorous nudity is ALWAYS more acceptable, even to the masses.
3:02pmDan
I think filming the bee threat would be even more amusing. Do you know whether or not bees have acting guilds?
3:02pmJoy
I do not know this. I’ve always worked with individual bees. I think they have sort of a hive mind thing, so one might consider that a guild.
3:04pmDan
I will ponder this. In the meantime, I should probably go and stand in a torrent of free falling warm water, while slathering myself with soap.
It’s a ritual I enjoy sometimes.
3:05pmJoy
Funny, I have the same ritual, which I must also perform shortly.
3:05pmDan
Does yours also involve pancake syrup?
3:06pmJoy
No… no pancake syrup. Just sweet smelling frothing cleaning substances.
3:06pmDan
Oh er… mine neither. I was just making sure.
3:06pmJoy
Happy Warm Torrent Ritual-ing to you.
3:07pmDan
Anyways! Good luck inspiring fear in people for money! I’ll expect a full report of your activities on my desk on Monday.
3:07pmJoy
Yes. OF course.
I’m going to cheat. I don’t have a favorite HNT of my very own.
They’re all somewhat different.
Instead, here’s a link to all my HNTs on this blog.
I do have to admit I’m somewhat partial to the one of the drawing. Taking on art modeling this year was a brave new thing for me, and I’m glad I did it.
Here are a few more drawings done in one of the classes I sat for.
Ok, so maybe that’s my favorite HNT… though no specific PHOTO of it, just… that I did it. I almost wish I had photo-journaled each experience. Like the time I stood precariously atop a table on top of another table on top of the model stand, stark naked, with black tulle net piled on my head, obscuring my face… so that students could deal with foreshortening, light and shadow, and the nude figure all in one go.
Or one of the supine poses I did where I fell asleep on the model stand, curled around with my hip one way, my arms splayed another way, my face turned to one side, knees bent… I got up with a stiff neck, but I’d had a nice nap.
Or maybe the day I posed in several different ways with different props. One, I was in lotus pose with a large shallow bowl in my lap that held a lighted candle. I WISH I had snapped shots of some the interpretations of that one. Or the one where I lay on my side, blindfolded, my hands and legs bound behind me. Some of those interpretations were pretty intense… and these were beginner students!
Yes, I think that’s my favorite HNT of 2008, though there are almost no photos of any of it. My favorite baring of myself was in the service of providing the muse for the canvas to capture the creativity of others.
And it was certainly a large part of my journey in the Year of Self-Redefinition.
On another note… Go to this web site and vote for Red Snapper. (she’s on the top right with the green feathers). She’s a burlesquer I admire greatly, who I’ve seen dance more than once. She is both smolderingly sexy and cute as a button, and *I* think she deserves a chance to strut her stuff at Viva Las Vegas. So… go vote for her. Trust my judgement. I’m good at these things. Just vote.
Thankyouhaveaniceday.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
And I feel fine.
So… How was the Year of Self-Redefinition?
I’m not sure. I’ve certainly learned new things.
My foray this year into burlesque performance has been mind-expanding, self-affirming, and generally good for me. My body isn’t perfect, or anywhere NEAR what I want it to be, but I can like and appreciate it the way it is now while I continue to strive to get closer to the ideal I want.
I’ve learned that I LOVE encouraging other women to learn to love themselves and their bodies as they are, discover their inner personalities and let them shine, and generally have a good time. It’s just as rewarding to watch THEM get up and break out of their inhibitions and uncertainty to applause and cheers, as it is to do it myself. Sometimes it’s even better. I don’t think I’ve felt any more glee than I’ve had watching beautiful women get up on a stage and strut like the gorgeous creatures they are, smiles blazing so bright as to blind the audience. Knowing that I helped and encouraged them to get there is humbling, because they have always had that within, and just a small push from me and my teaching partner, they’ve discovered it. I didn’t cause it, I didn’t create it, I just helped provide the safety to embrace it. Every single one of the ladies we’ve worked with have taught me something that has made ME better. They have made ME realize something important that I can apply in my own life.
I have learned a greater appreciation for the roles people play in my life, for the things they provide to me, and for the opportunities they give me to have a role in their lives.
I also understand even better what I accept, what I do not accept, and what I know I deserve.
I know that I would rather withdraw entirely than settle for less than what I absolutely deserve. I have learned that I can adapt rather easily to a life of spartan self-denial. I know that I would rather not. But it’s not unbearable. It’s just not preferred.
I’ll take death before dishonor.
I know that I’m not a dupe. (I instinctively knew this, but recently became more completely aware.) I know that I am a moral person. I know that I am an honorable person. But these aren’t redefinitions. It’s more about renewing who I’ve always been, and not apologizing for it.
I am what I am. I can be nothing less. I’m learning to accept who I am. Once I do that I won’t worry whether others are accepting me. I like me. I always have. Now I accept that it’s ok to like me.
I have no concrete redefinition of myself here at the end of this year. I have, however, definitely lived the process of redefinition throughout the year, and I don’t think it will ever stop.
Whatever 2009 has in store for me, I will survive. (Maybe it will be the Year of Survival.) I may not always like it. I may have moments that are wonderful. Whatever happens, I will live through it.
Life goes on. I know what I want in it. If I don’t get what I want, I’ll continue to breathe anyway, and try to find reasons to live in the small things.
Check out Deep Soul Heaven.
Obscure soul, B-sides, and old stuff of the pre-synth era of soul.
It gots da yummies for da ears.
A wee goldmine I’ve come across!
